Out in Black

Learning Game: Reports from the Field

High End Clubs and Making Girls Abandon their Ubers

Favorite new song. Coworking spaces have been a big part of my experience in New York. I’d always toyed with the idea of sleeping at WeWork but the layout is too open. Not my new space though, they have a couple of couches tucked away in the back. I slept like a baby, no regrets. In other news our night out was interesting. My wingman is doing some promoting and he said he could get us all into a hot club. We showed up late, a ton of bullshit ensued and we more or less had to sneak in. Nothing like the high end club experience to make you feel like you’re a valueless piece of shit.

Inside it’s a different world. It’s a 4 girls to 1 guy ratio, maybe better. We start hammering out approaches and I quickly notice how ineffective my game is. I can’t hook a set to save my life. Maybe it’s just because I’m drinking, I don’t know. I realize that to succeed in this environment I would need to practice in it. But tonight is not the night for it, me and my other wingmen leave and take the 20 minute walk to Meatpacking.

Almost at Biergarten we open two girls on the sidewalk. My wingman starts making out with his girl, I talk to the friend. She’s getting into an Uber. I lean into the car and try to pull her out. She keeps saying nonsense like,

No, I would feel so bad about cancelling. We can’t just leave our Uber. We’re going home!”

I tell her it’s no big deal, he won’t care if she gets out. She doesn’t listen until her friend, who is fawning over my wingman, says,

Alicia! Get out of the Uber, we’re going with them.”

And that was that. It’s called an Uber pull, our specialty. We take the girls to the club but lose them after 3 minutes. No big deal, we open a bunch more. However, nothing sticks so well. Around 2 we call it a night and I go back to the hidden couch in my coworking space and sleep it off. That was my last weekend in New York for at least 6 months. It’s been a crazy adventure but I’m ready for a change. Time to throw the middle finger to the cold and go drive dirt bikes in Thailand.

Notes

*I’ve gotten a lot better but I’ve still got so far to go. Reaching a level of game where I’m effective in a high end club is going to take a lot.

*I’m ready to take a few months off from intense pickup. I’ll still do some daygame and go out here and there in Thailand but most of the focus is going to be on building up a business. I’m totally cool with this because I know that when I come back to it, my vague plan is to move to Berlin in the spring, I’m going to crush it and go harder than no other.

Stolen Sets and Thoughts on Chasing

Tonight my wingman took a girl from me. I was making out with her, her friend had just left, and my wingman came in and started hitting on her. I did not handle this well. I should have grabbed her hand and pulled her to another area in the bar. On the other hand, it’s my wingman. He’s supposed to have my back and I wasn’t really prepared to defend my girl from him. I’m disappointed that he would do that. I stick by the rule that the guy who opens the girl, gets the girl. So I’ll have words with him, see how he rationalized this into being cool.

In other news, I opened an awfully attractive chick who liked reading, traveling and was doing a grad program in creative writing. So my ideal girl. I reacted like a little kid when the teacher asks a question. I got all excited and lost my cool, as if I would prove to her that I like the same things by showing her how excited I was about what she’s saying. A terribly ineffective strategy. In the future, if I’m very impressed with a girl, I can tell her that but I don’t have to turn into a six year old.

Game Stuff

*A consistent trend with me is that I seek to fill in silences and never let the conversation lag. Sometimes (often?) I cut the girl off while she’s speaking. This is bad. I want to let her speak as much as she wants and I don’t want to discourage conversation by cutting her off.

*I think my game is going to start progressing faster because I have more mental bandwidth to focus on improvement. It used to be that I spent 90% of my brainpower on maintaining a good vibe, approaching, posture, tonality, that stuff. Now I’ve autopiloted a lot of it, freeing up tons of RAM to focus on the details. This is very good…

*I’m really interested in finding a way to chase less and let the girl chase more. What are the actions/vibe/beliefs that lead to me being the awesome guy and her investing in me? Logically, I see it like this..

  1. Girls like guys who are the shit.
  2. A guy who is the shit doesn’t need to prove himself to anyone.
  3. When a girl sees a guy not trying to prove anything and being totally comfortable, she assumes he’s the shit and gets attracted.

Essentially, how can I strengthen the belief that I’m the shit and cut out all those behaviors that indicate I’m trying to prove myself?

Tuesday is Game Night featuring Cute Girls

Had an above average Tuesday. We approached quite a few sets and things went fairly well. Still, I think that I can learn a lot from where I messed up.

Lessons

*I opened some cute girls and my wingman came in later. I had my girl, he had the friend. The vibe was pretty good, my girl was cool but she wouldn’t let me kiss her. After a while me and my wingman switched girls. Now I’m with the friend. This caused me to feel uncertain. Am I just keeping her socially warmed up or is this game time and my job is to escalate and make it happen? Being conservative I was just social, no escalation. The result? Some pickup artist with better game than me came in and swooped her. OK, so next time if I switch with my wingman I just go for it. Even as the original girl watches.

*Started the night by opening some cute girls from Florida. Initially I was talking to two then one faded, leaving me to talk to the cuter one. It was going good but I could see her slowly inching back towards her large group. Instead of taking action I just left the set. I think that what I needed to do was introduce myself to the group, say a few pleasantries and then (now as a member of the group) keep talking to my girl. I think that would have let the conversation go on for quite a while.

I will have to consciously force myself to do this group introduction. I have a few insecurities here. I feel like all the guys in the group are going to dislike me and the whole thing is a waste of time. I need to trash that useless point of view, assume that I’m the one with value, I’m the opportunity, and everyone there is lucky to meet me!

*In several sets I was consciously aware of some annoying behavior I was exhibiting. I was fidgeting, shifting weight from foot to foot and otherwise dispelling sexual tension and acting like a nervous beta. Subtle shit but shit nonetheless. Becoming aware of it, I was able to chill the fuck out and shut that all off for about a minute. I noticed an immediate change in how the girl looked at me. Then I lost it again and things returned to normal. That’s OK though, I’m now more aware of how these bad microexpressions and I can focus on removing them.

*I give my wingman kudos for getting us to do a ballsy approach. We looked through a window and saw a bar with five people in it, all sitting down. Two cute girls, three drunk dudes. My natural instinct was to ignore this, my wingman insisted we do it. So fuck it, I walk in and tap the cuter girl on the shoulder. She turns around and we start to have a good conversation. After a few minutes I get her to stand up. Brilliant stuff, shows I learned my lesson from Friday night. However, after talking for a bit, she wanders off to get another drink. Then she never comes back, she sort of hovers around the drunk dudes. I interpret this to mean she doesn’t like me and I call the night quits. In retrospect I think she wanted me to get her back, to reengage her. So next time when she wanders off, I make the effort to bring her back in.

*I am no longer phased when a girl mentions a boyfriend. If the interaction is going good and she’s giving me positive signs I just keep plowing. I treat it as though she never mentioned another guy. I don’t think I’ve slept with a girl who has a boyfriend yet but it’s bound to happen at some point. After all the wonderful shit I’ve gone through to reach even a modicum of talent, I feel 0% bad about this.

Some Sets and Some Experience in LES

My wingman strong armed me into going out tonight. I had my heart set on studying German and reading, but I couldn’t argue with his logic so we hit it up. Bounced all over LES, couple of different bars, loads of street sets. At the end I even approached a girl on the subway platform. We talked for a minute then she politely told me to buzz off. Earlier, another girl rudely told me to fuck off, shaking her middle finger at me to make sure I got the message.

Most times when this happens I’m cool with it, but once in a while I have a night where I take it personally. I think about me and my buddies, putting ourselves on the line and inviting rejection while girls just stand around and call all the shots. Or at least that’s how it can feel. But that’s really just a reflection of my mood right now. Other nights, when ownage occurs, we count ourselves blessed to be guys with a chance to improve.

In terms of interactions tonight, one set I missed the window for the makeout, that was unfortunate. She liked me for a while. Another set, met them on the street, bounced them to a bar. Once we got inside things fizzled. The ideal would have been to buy us all a drink. That would have guaranteed steady conversation for another 20 minutes. But $25 with tip is $30 more than I’m ready to spend.

There were other girls, I don’t remember them. It’s been four nights out in a row and I’m whipped. I’ve experienced heavy doses of most emotions. I feel like a guy who goes out regularly condenses five years worth of experience and emotion into one year, which can be intense. I have to say though, I love it. I wouldn’t trade all this for anything.

Notes

*What is it that girls want?

An Afterparty and Missing the Window for the Makeout

Mental flagellation for my actions last night. Pregame with the guys but I decided to stay sober. They had whiskey. Went to the club around midnight. Not much happening, checked upstairs and I saw two cute girls sitting on a couch. Sat down on the arm of the couch and started talking to mine. Realize two things,

  1. She’s tall, blonde and skinny as a fence post. Perfect, my ideal woman.
  2. This interaction has potential.

We talk for a while with me sitting on the arm rest, then I tell her to scoot over and I sit down on the couch. My wingman had sat down next to his girl a while ago. We talk some more and I’d like to go in for the kiss but I’m not sure how. We’re sitting next to each other and leaning in for it feels awkward. So I don’t do it. The club starts to clear out, I suggest we hit the afterparty in my buddy’s living room. Surprisingly they’re down. We get there, have a drink, I finally work up the courage to kiss her, she rejects it, I’m incredibly pissed I didn’t have the boldness to kiss her earlier when the window was open. I go home banging my head against the wall.

Notes

*The key piece I was missing last night was getting her to stand up to go for the makeout. Right before we left I had her stand up and we came close and I chickened out on kissing her, but the option was there. So next time when we’re both sitting down but I sense it’s time to makeout, I can wait till a high moment, pull her up and kiss her while standing. That’s the solution I was looking for last night.

*I think that beating myself over this is very helpful. What I’m trying to achieve is the courage, for lack of a better word, to do the right thing next time. The pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of regret. My game needs to be on point, no matter how cute she is.

*The thing I can congratulate myself on last night was closing the deal. Asking the girls to come to the afterparty and making that happen.

*Game has infinite possibilities. There are so many ways to achieve the end goal. As I get better and see the subtle variations I’m blown away by how much their is to learn. At the core of everything though I see one thing: emotional control. That is, your reality is strong and you maintain a steady good state no matter what’s happening around you. Without this the potential is limited.

Shady Dealings in the Lower East Side

I was skeptical about going out last night but decided to do it anyways. 90% of the night I was solo. Still managed to open a bunch of sets. I didn’t have it though. Few conversations lasted long. Two highlights. I was talking to a girl and her guy friend came in. I watched them talk for a minute or two, then I said to her,

So you guys are friends from high school huh.”

She took a step back and gave me the creep face, how the fuck do you know that, are you stalking me? I had to think about it myself, how I knew. Just something about the vibe, how they were interacting. It was some Jedi shit and as soon as I broke down why I made that assumption she stopped thinking I was a stalker and started playing with her hair and giving me puppy eyes.

Later, end of the night, heading home. In a fairly unhelpful mood I see a stunner across the street. Six feet tall, divine face and that silky translucent hair that beautiful girls have. Normally I would not even consider this, given my mood. But fuck it, I walk across the street and talk to her. It lasts twenty seconds before she runs off. I leave feeling slightly better about the night.

Notes

*That set with the girl and her high school buddy, I handled it awkwardly at the end. I wanted to approach another girl. Instead of saying,

It’s been great talking to you guys, enjoy your evening!”

I did this fucking weird sauce, kind of slink away with odd body language. Totally bullshit. Next time I just say goodbye instead of slinking off like a criminal.

*I had been talking to a girl for a while, she liked me but her friends were being bitches. They pulled her away and left me high and dry. Later on I saw her standing by herself and reapproached. We started talking, she was giving me all the signs for the makeout but I never did it because I was too cognizant of the friends standing five feet away, staring at us. I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe that if I tried to kiss her the friends would freak out or something, and so I didn’t go for it. Next time, forget the friends, I go for the kiss. They can react however the fuck they want to, I’ll deal with it.

Jumping into a Random Girl’s Uber

Did some pretty baller stuff last night. I was out in LES solo. Approached a few girls, didn’t really see much so I left the bar to hit the sidewalk. Saw a girl pulling the classic I’m waiting for an Uber stance. Walk up to her, can see that it’s on, makeout within a minute. Ask her about her night, what she’s doing now. She says whatever but the way she phrases her words and the way she looks at me, I know that she wants me to stay with her.

So her Uber pulls up, I open the door for her, she gets in and I get in after her. We have not spoken a word about this, I just did it. Inside, see that she’s understandably a bit nervous so I tell a story. She relaxes, we have a fun ride, get to Greenpoint where she lives. She says I can come upstairs. Unfortunately, as we’re sneaking in there, smack in the middle of the living room is her roommate with a guy. Being cool, the cool says,

“I don’t think she I know you. My name’s John.”

Stands up and shakes my hand. The girls are fucking dying from laughter at the absurdity of this situation. My girl is embarrassed, takes us outside and I never convince her that going back to her bedroom is the best life course. She says to take her number, says we should meet up this weekend when her roommate isn’t around. We makeout and I leave.

Notes

*I was able to do all this because she wasn’t that cute. I gave zero fucks and felt fully entitled to act in any way I saw fit. If I could just carry this level of indifference and ballsy behavior to all girls I think that I would do very well for myself. This is a really interesting idea because I don’t think entitlement is as set as we think. I think the bigger issue for me is that I don’t really feel like a boss in NYC right now. I’m not spending money because I’m saving, I live in a shitty part of town and I’m working a job that less rewarding than washing dishes. Why the fuck should I feel entitled to the hottest women? On the other hand, some guys have it way worse and bang all sorts of girls. This whole thing is a bit of a mindfuck and something that I think about daily.

*Currently, my biggest sticking point: I need to close harder. That’s it. Staying in set and pushing to get the girl back to my place, asking multiple times, trying in multiple ways and not giving up. At this point this is more important than my eye contact, making out, dealing with friends, approaching, staying in set, fucking whatever else. I’ve got all of that handled to a good level, failing to be a hard closer is my number one sticking point right now. Which leads me to..

*My natural buddy who sleeps with an ungodly number of girls. He has massive holes in his game, he admits that he’s prone to running out of things to say and other seemingly beginner issues. But he succeeds because he does three things extremely well. He approaches everything, he gets physical almost immediately and he closes like a motherfucker. His game is to walk up to a girl, say whatever, go for the makeout then invite her to the after party at his place. It’s unreal how many women he sleeps with and when I compare my game to his, the biggest difference I see is that he’s always fucking closing, and I’m not.

All the Sets and the Party Vibes

Damn, last night was new level. I think it’s the craziest I’ve ever been in a club. I was approaching everything, dancing, jumping around, had a bunch of girls staring at me, it was a blast. I brought a tanker’s worth of energy to the club. But even in the moment I knew it wasn’t effective in terms of pulling a girl. While everything blew open and I talked to 10 or 20 women in a short span of time, most of them probably thought two things.

  1. This guy is drunk as fuck and/or on drugs (in fact I was dead sober).
  2. This guy is too much for me to handle, I don’t even know what to say to him.

So what ended up happening is I approached all of the best sets early in the night with that tornado energy then when I started reapproaching later on, I found a lot of them dismissed me or the friends pulled the girl away. Probably most of them thinking, ewww, you don’t want to talk to that super drunk dude.

I did make out with a girl but I hardly even count that as anything. That’s just what I expect at this point, it’s a normal night. You’re best night now is your average night in six months, this dictum seems to ring very true.

Notes

*I started off the night strong by approaching a tall beautiful woman on the street. She was Swiss and it turned into a very good conversation. I think that at the end I could have kissed her. Didn’t go for it, perhaps due to fear or lack of belief. But next time I absolutely will. All I can think is about is how I failed to do the right thing, I wouldn’t have cared if she reciprocated or not.

*I’m proud that last night I deliberately approached all the cutest girls and stuck in set for as long as they would have me. I can feel myself acting rather strange and incongruent whens he’s especially beautiful and I have to overcome this. I will say though, I see progress from even just a few months ago. I’m having longer interactions with the cute ones and things are generally going better. I don’t think it’s long before I makeout for the first time with a girl where I truly feel like, holy shit, I can’t believe that just happened.

Beer and the Lower East Side

Last night I told my boss that I’m leaving New York and moving to Thailand. He didn’t seem to care much, as expected. He said I could keep doing some freelance work online. That’s great for me, means I’ll be able to live off of that and keep my savings. After work was over I celebrated by drinking a bunch of beer and bullshitting with my wingman for 45 minutes at WeWork.

He was feeling sick so he left and I hopped the train back home. I had every intention of leaving Manhattan but fate intervened. We pulled into the station right by all the bars in LES and I couldn’t help it. I got off, went out and talked to maybe ten girls. I don’t think I accomplished much, I was fairly beer-laden.

Right now I’m in a weird spot. My living situation isn’t the best, I’m leaving New York in two weeks so I don’t feel fully committed. I’m not on an upwards spiral as they say. But I’m strangely OK with it. I know the work necessary to change and I know that I’m capable of it. I look forward to the future and I look forward to never again repeating the myriad of mistakes I’ve made in the last 18 months. It’s been fucking awesome and I’ve grown about 700%, but I also have done a lot of things that need never be repeated.

Hurdles and Questions About Game

Went out, pushed myself, did things I was nervous to do, all the usual. Still getting back into it though, haven’t completely gotten back my awesome vibe. I talked to a model, she said two words to me. I talked to a very attractive woman last night. She saw a chink in me and the set was over within a minute.

Even all the other girls, I’m not getting laid right now and it sucks. It’s true I have zero logistics but I’ve gotten laid before with zero logistics. If I had to say I’m fucking up one thing, it’s tactical planning. Figuring out a way to move the set from the bar to the bedroom. Going for the pull, getting her out of the bar and into the taxi. It’s like I lack the belief right now to do that.

This is the first point since the time I started, 18 months ago, that I would seriously consider paying for a bootcamp. It’s the first time where I really feel like I’m lost in the woods. Approaching, hooking sets, going for the makeout, keeping the conversation going, etc. All of the fundamentals of pickup are not currently my sticking point. It’s transitioning from the bar to the bedroom that is holding me up. It’s very frustrating to not see it happening. I have two weeks left in New York, I really want to pull.

Notes

*I talked in an earlier field report about how I sometimes close space with a girl and end up pushing her away. I’m 99% sure this is not good, but I also know that in order to makeout and get physical I do have to breach the barrier at some point. How to do it more effectively though? I’m thinking I need to get into a space where I’m leaning back and drawing her in. Create a vacuum for her to fill.

*My eye contact with the most attractive ladies is not fantastic right now. I think it’s perhaps why I missed making out with two cute girls the last two nights. I have to fix this.

*I’m wondering if the reason I’m not pulling is a subtle belief that’s sabotaging me. When I moved to my current apartment I said to myself, well, no logistics. Guess you won’t be pulling now. I haven’t ever really thought about that again but I wonder if it’s turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy? I have to believe I can pull otherwise it will never happen.

What the Fuck is This

First night out in ten days or so, I was back home for Turkey Day. Hit up the Tuesday spot it was good. On the surface it would appear that I did poorly and the night was write off. Far from it. What actually happened is that I was getting some harsh rejections, guys were pushing me away, guys were getting in my face, girls were telling me they didn’t want me there, etc. I felt sad and I wanted to leave, but I didn’t. I pushed through that shit and forced myself to not only do more approaches but to do the most difficult ones conceivable. For doing so I consider the night a massive success.

Last set of the night ended up being an awfully cute girl. I repeatedly tried kissing her but she would never reciprocate. I think my eye contact was off and my approach in leaning in for the kiss was weak sauce. Next time I would hold eye contact better and go in with more confidence.

I saw one girl at the bar who was cuter than all the others by a long shot. I told my wingman that I absolutely had to approach her and I did. It was a great approach and she responded very well. Instantly faced me and started playing with her necklace. But there was a chink in my game, I faltered, I got 2% into my head and she instantly could tell. It was over. Her friend took her away. Interestingly, when I first approached I was so confident that her friend asked me if I knew her. I’ve noticed this happen a few other times when I do a great approach on an especially hot girl. I suspect that 95% of the time when a hot girl gets approached it’s super fucking weak and obvious, so when a guy does a confident approach it’s odd and the friend assumes we know each other already.

At this moment I feel angry. I want to get back out there, figure out what’s wrong and fix it. I’m also acutely aware of how much more challenging cold approach is. Compared to something like meeting a girl in a hostel or a college class. Those environments are much more forgiving. Cold approach is brutal.

Making Out and Bouncing to a Bar too Soon

Quick report from a few nights ago. We went out on a Wednesday, me and two of the guys. Second set I came in and I made out with my girl. Fifteen minutes later I pulled her out of the rooftop lounge, moved her to another bar down the street. That was closed so I suggested we grab some beers and head back to her place. She was uneasy about it and said she wanted to go back to the first place. So we did, made out a bit more, I got her number then bounced. This was a good interaction because I learned something important.

I pushed too hard to get her to leave the lounge with me. She kept saying we should just have a drink there, with my friends and her friends around and a nice atmosphere. Eventually she agreed to leave with me because I’m awesome but it wasn’t the best move. As soon as we got out of the club that nice vibe we had died, it got super logical and cold. I hadn’t built enough comfort yet. I should have taken into account that her friends were also her roommates, it would have been easy to grab a drink with them, walk her her home, ask to use the bathroom, ask to see her bedroom and bam, closed.

I didn’t really think all that through so well, I was so focused on getting her to another bar that I didn’t see the big picture. Good lesson to learn.

One other thing, I notice that I often push girls away from me. That is, I’ll close space in order to go for the makeout and girls will subtly back away and sometimes after ten minutes we end up nine feet away from where we started! This is a doozy for me. On one hand I’m doing the right thing with closing space and getting near to her. My increased numbers of makeouts show that I’m on the right track. On the other hand, it’s weird when I feel girls slowly backing away. And so I’ve obviously experimented with not closing space or even with leaning slightly back and trying to draw her in to me. But when I do that the space doesn’t get closed and it doesn’t get sexual. So this is a thing for me, trying to figure out this interesting aspect of game.

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