Out in Black

Learning Game: Reports from the Field

Category: Thoughts on Game (Page 2 of 4)

Speculative Ideas about Game

I plan on doing a lot more daygame and going on more dates this summer. My current roommate is awesome at daygame and there’s been a lot of talk about it in our apartment in Kiev. These are some of the thoughts, and some of the things I’ll be working on in the coming months.

Daygame Texting

  • Text her about an hour after you get the number, so that you’ve started the conversation. Alternatively, when exchanging numbers, take her phone and text yourself something funny.
  • There’s a debate running in our apartment about how to initiate the conversation with a girl, and callback humor seems to be the consensus. That is, texting her about something that you talked about during the interaction. However, my roommate made the good point that it should be something that you both talked about and enjoyed, versus referring to something that she told you (I like to go snowboarding). This got me thinking that you could easily create a shared experience with the girl in the interaction (hey, look at how funny that guy is dressed / omg look at that guy with the monkey, do you think we could adopt it? / We’re right by a church, let’s elope and get married!) and then refer back to that on your first text to her.

Getting Sexual Verbally

  • I’m speculating (I rarely go on dates, I have little experience) that a good way to bridge the gap from non-sexual to sexual in a date is to do it verbally. I think that you could easily start doing this by saying things like how many kids should we have together or you’re so skinny, our offspring will be beautiful or if we get married, what will you bring to the table or are you a good kisser? My roommate takes it even further by asking things like how many guys have you slept with and have you ever kissed a woman?

Practicing for Later

  • I’m going to SEA for the winter and to get laid there my game is going to have to be very good. That’s why I’m viewing everything I’m doing now as a practice for that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the present moment of pickup, it’s more that I don’t take the outcome so seriously because I know it’s all just preparation for this winter, when I’ll really need to step up.

Getting Laid in a Foreign Country

  • Even though I didn’t get laid in Kiev, I talked to 50 to 100 women and gained a significant amount of experience. In terms of how I would approach game in a foreign country where I don’t plan on going out at night, I would do this. The first 7 to 14 days I would do massive daygame. I mean like 2 to 3 hours every day. Get as many numbers as possible, go on as many dates as possible. Sleep with a couple of girls, hopefully keep them around as fuck buddies. After that happens I’m feeling good, I have some abundance, and I no longer have to do massive daygame. I can do it here and there for half an hour or an hour, while actively working to improve the quality of girls that I’m sleeping with. What’s most essential though is that massive amount of hustling right in the beginning, to get a huge number of leads and get everything started off on the right foot.

Where to Approach

A few hours ago I got an email from a guy who said:

Hi Leon, I’m just starting out in pickup in NYC and your posts have helped very much. I started out today like you and forced myself to approach one set. Do you have any tips on approaching two sets alone? Would you recommend doing it at a noisy club or in a more chill bar?

It’s an interesting question and I thought that I’d post it here in case other people have wondered the same thing. Essentially it comes down to this:

It doesn’t matter…

If you plan to get very good at this (I hope that’s your plan..?) then you’re going to have to become comfortable approaching a girl in every conceivable situation. Whether that’s a deafening club, a quite bar, an upscale lounge, or a well-lit Biergarten. You don’t want to develop situational confidence where you feel comfortable talking to a girl in one environment but another another. So instead of asking where you should approach, just go out and hit on girls wherever you can!

Living By Your Own Standards

While this revolves around my own beliefs, I hope that you can read it and see how it applies to your own life. The examples are mine, but the idea is universal. Let’s have a look..

Living up to your own standards, vs. the standards of another person

This is an important topic because today I realized that for the last year (several years?) I’ve been living up to the standards of another person: Tyler Durden. I’ve watched so much of his content and bought into so much of what he’s said, that I unconsciously adopted his standards for living. This has helped me to take action, get laid more and find some awesome friends.

However…

I’ve realized that Tyler values things that I ultimately don’t care about. For instance, Tyler always advises that you should “burn the club down” at the end of the night. After a year of doing pickup I can say that I don’t care about this. If I’m tired as fuck and I’ve already talked to twenty women, I give a fuck, I’m going home. What’s sad though, is that on these nights, instead of feeling great because I went out and took massive action, I feel bad.

What I’ve realized is that…

Burning the club down is not important to me. I’m not Tyler, I have other things going on in my life besides pickup. For instance, I place a tremendous importance on speaking foreign languages. I spent 13 months learning to speak fluent Russian, and now I study German every day. As far as I can tell, Tyler gives zero fucks about speaking foreign languages. Does he feel bad because of this? Fuck no! It’s not one of his values.

So….

In the last couple of weeks I’ve really been digging down into what my values are..

I Care About

-Being 90% sober, but still going out sometimes to have some beers with the guys

-Having a couple of cool girls or a very cute girlfriend

-Writing every day

-Studying German every day

-Reading every day

-Traveling as much as possible, unless I’m all traveled out and totally cool with staying in one city for a while

-Saving 10% of every paycheck and investing it wisely

-Watching cool movies

-Pushing my comfort zone

-Meditating every day

-Having no credit card debt

-Being close to the ocean

-Living simply and with a minimal amount of stuff

-Spending time with cool people who have unique lives

-Living with roommates

-Having a job that allows me unlimited travel time

I Don’t Care About

-Changing the world

-Making so much money I don’t even know what to do with it

-Grinding it out at the club till the bitter fucking end

-Hustling for 20 hours straight

-Being jacked, tan or having a great haircut

-Having an expensive car or apartment

The Results

When I list my own beliefs and then compare them to my lifestyle, I realize that I’m living up to about 96% of what I believe in. I don’t have roommates, my friends in NYC are not quite as awesome as I might like, and my current job only allows about 4 to 6 weeks of travel a year, not unlimited. Apart from that though, I’m really kicking ass on all of my beliefs.

This makes me feel…

So fucking amazing that English words are inept at describing it. I’m no longer trying to live up to Tyler’s values. His beliefs took me a long, long fucking way and improved my life 100 fold. However, at a certain point, I have to stop basing everything I do on him and start basing it on my own criteria for success.

So if you’re reading this I urge you to consider what you value and think about how you can live up to that standard. It’s empowering to base your happiness on how well you do living up to your own values, versus the values of another person. This video talks about the same thing and I think it’s a good complement to what I wrote.

What is My Intent in Approaching?

I’ve been watching some videos by Wade Alters and he brought up an interesting point. You need to clarify what your intent is when you walk up to a girl. It might seem obvious that your intent is to hook up with the girl, but I’d argue that (at least for myself) a majority of the time my intent is actually not to fuck her. Reasons I may be going up to that girl are:

  • Get into a social mood
  • Boost my ego in front of a wingman
  • Keep my state going
  • Take her home for sexy time
  • Etc..

What I can work on is clarifying my intent. I’m a man, Im walking up to you because I wish to take you home. Sex, copulation, fucking, sleeping together, getting laid, or as the Russians say: ебаться!

Achieving this clear intent means getting rid of the less than amazing reasons for approaching and moving towards the point where I have one goal in mind.. I don’t really have more to say about this, I don’t even know if there is more to say. It’s just a thought on my mind and I’d like to see how I can get better at it.

A State of Game: My Manifesto and Goals

This is my game after a year of approaching. First night out was May 28th, 2016. Since then I’ve radically developed, although I still have unfathomable progress to make. Everything I write is how I approach game now, but I’m sure many things will change in the future. Learning game means shedding old layers and coming into new understandings. That can be scary, but it’s also exciting like nothing else. May I recommend some background music?

The Tangible Manifesto

1. My night begins by approaching the first set I see, every single time. This is the most consistent way I’ve found to have a good night. The first five minutes set the tone for everything to come. Beyond that, I believe in approaching everything. Stunning girls, beached porpoises, girls in big groups, girls alone, Etc.

By approaching everything I don’t have to filter approaches and I stay out of my head. I approach girls who I would never fuck, but I find it easier to approach intimidatingly hot girls. It works both ways. Also, unattractive girls will often become attracted to you quickly which can help pump your state, especially if you’re having a lackluster night. I could go on and on.. Some of the most fun nights I’ve ever had have all involved me approaching everything, it’s a glorious way to do pickup.

2. I’ve heavily reduced my physicality. I used to borderline molest girls which taught me calibration, but I’ve realized that an absurd level of physicality is rarely called for. A hug or five second claw is enough to show the girl what kind of guy you are. Getting too physical can be a turn off and blow you out.

3. I used to be blithely unaware of how the girl may feel making out in front of her friend. Now I take that into account. I’ll move her away before going for the makeout. I’ll calibrate my words. I won’t get into the truly insane, polarizing content until her friends are out of earshot. I’ll look at the situation and see what the pull potential is, how to frame it, and so forth. I’m using my experience to figure out the best way to make that set go well. How to develop this? Fuck up dozens of sets a week for a year.

4. This ties nicely into logistics. I used to be so focused on finding a girl who likes me and not running out of things to say, that logistics were far from my mind. Now that more girls like me and things are getting easier, logistics are becoming important. I tell my wings, if you don’t know where she lives within 5 minutes of the interaction starting, you’ve seriously fucked up. To take that farther, you should also find out who she is there with and what she’s doing in the morning.

While logistics aren’t always a deal breaker, I focus on them more now. If a girl has horrible logistics and it doesn’t look like I can hook up in the bathroom, then I’ll usually move on. Someone said once that “Logistics trumps game” and they’re absolutely right. She could love you, but if she has three out of town friends staying at her place that night, there’s no conceivable way she’ll go home with you.

5. Logistics are important for me because 96.3% of the time I’m going for a pull that night. I don’t want numbers, I don’t want dates, I want to hook up that night. This attitude comes out in my actions as I press hard for the pull. This is a stylistic choice though, as some guys do very well for themselves getting numbers and setting up dates.

The 3.7% of the time when I do get the number is when: the set is going very good, the girl is above average attractive, but the pull can’t happen because of logistics. In this situation I’ll bungle my way through setting up a day two (not my strongest point). In general I’ll readily sleep with a girl that night who I wouldn’t go on a date with.

6. One idea that I’ve only recently began to understand the power of is: getting myself into situations where I can hook up with the girl. I don’t have to have massive attraction with a girl to walk her home from the bar, or go home with her and a group of friends, or whatever. Once we’re isolated it’s very easy to hookup because there is only upside. We’re alone at her place (or mine), there’s a bed, girls love sex, it’s obvious. I finagle myself into a good logistic situation. I use whatever words or excuses are necessary, and then when we’re alone it’s on. It doesn’t have to be on before getting back to her place. In fact the interaction can be very plain up to that point.

The Intangible Manifesto

7. It’s only in the last two months that I’ve started to focus on the inner game in a meaningful way. I think that’s fairly normal. When starting out it takes everything you have to approach, keep the conversation going, deal with a high stimulus environment, and so forth. For me, these are the beliefs that I choose to inculcate in myself (I previously wrote a large post about the shitty beliefs we have and how I’ve gone about changing mine).

In terms of what beliefs to focus on, I’ve found two that work very good for me at the moment. I’m awesome and I’m having fun. The latter helps to keep me in a good headspace and the former makes me feel great. It’s interesting that even though I’ve only been using these beliefs for about a month they’ve already begun to sink in. I believe I’m awesome and I have a lot of proof to back it up. This is a key point, proof. The only reason a belief like I’m awesome works is because I can look at the massive action I’ve taken, the girls I’ve slept with, the trying experiences I’ve gone through, and use those to justify the belief.

Building on my two beliefs, my next one is I’m the prize. I’m stacking this on top of the other two and I’ll continue to stack on more and more, the further I get into game. My mentor, Distant Light, recommends the belief I’m the opportunity. Solid, but it feels incongruent to me, too advanced. I suppose which belief works best is subjective and will change depending on the person.

8. I’m chipping away at all of the inauthentic and fear based traits that I’ve picked up over the years. I (we all) have learned these odd ways of acting that are incongruent. We do it to cope with difficult experiences, but it means that we don’t truly express who we are. My aim is to eradicate that. I want to fearlessly express myself as authentically as possible. One great example is Frank Yang. This guy is fascinating. He puts out these insane fucking videos that make me cry laughing, and probably offend other people so horribly that they call for his imprisonment. You can say what you will, but he’s expressing the motherfucking shit out of his personality without giving a fuck what anyone thinks. That’s incredibly admirable.

9. There are a lot of ways to look at this concept, but I’ll state it this way: girls are girls. Stunning women may be genetically blessed, but beneath it they’re still just girls. Taking them off the pedestal and treating them as such is a key component of my quest to hook up with increasingly attractive women. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve spent 25 years glorifying hot women and assuming that they’re unattainable goddesses. I’m working to change that belief every night I go out.

However, I’m not trying to devalue them either by saying things like “They’re just lucky, they’re born that way they didn’t do shit.” No. I’m putting us on equal footing. I’m an awesome dude who deserves the best, you’re a stunning women who I’m incredible attracted to, we’re made for each other. Distant Light is a fantastic example of a guy who crushed it with models because he didn’t overvalue them. He would always write “I can make myself feel better than she ever can, why do I need her attention or sex to feel good about myself?”

10. I don’t like affirmations. I’ve found that claiming qualities that I don’t have is a massive waste of time and totally ineffective. For example, saying “My game is a 10″ a thousands times means jack shit if you go out to the club and every reference experience you gather points out that you’re game is not a 10..

That being said, I’m beginning to fully manifest a state of mind where I feel like a girl is lucky to be with me, I’m the prize. This is based partly on more tangible aspects of who I am (I don’t drink, I speak 3 languages, I’ve traveled the world, I read 40 books a year, etc.) but a bigger part of it actually comes from this simple truth: a girl is lucky to be with me because I’m a guy who runs into his fear. I’m a fucking man, I’m not retreating from life like a bitch. I don’t live in reaction, I take action. The more I do this, the more fantastic I feel about myself, the more the girl likes me. And with good reason! Most men my age are living a life that’s controlled by fear and their upbringing.

Goals for 2017

My #1 goal is “To have game as good as Distant Light”. That has no time limit and is very abstract. In general I tend to shy away from setting goals with specific dates Maybe this is hurting me? I’m not so certain. Even without precise goals I still go out all the time, push my comfort zone and grow. But maybe having some goals would give me even more motivation. So here we go, here’s what I wish to achieve by January 1st, 2018.

1. Three different fuckbuddies / girlfriends. I think this is easily attainable. In fact the biggest challenge is that many of the girls I meet and sleep with are not from New York, they’re leaving in a few days. In terms of making this happen it just means sleeping with more girls, and also probably going on some more dates, which I feel set the frame for a lasting relationship better than a ONS stand.

2. Slept with a 9. I see no reason why this can’t happen. My entitlement to more attractive women seems to be growing at an exponential rate. Other guys have reached a point of sleeping with stunners, I can reach that point as well. It comes down to valuing myself more, removing more insecurities, and feeling like I deserve her.

3. Have 2 or 3 cute, cool friends who are girls who I share similar interests with. The similar interests part is essential. I don’t often hang out with people, and if I do I want it to be an activity that we both enjoy. So one friend will probably be German so I can practice speaking with her, maybe another one will have traveled a lot so we can compare notes on that. I want to develop some relationships with girls who I’m not fucking.

I feel like these goals are extremely achievable, especially #1 and #3. I can set more difficult goals or be more specific, but I’m going to have to think about it. Ultimately, while vague, the goal of game like Distant Light is what I’m aiming towards.

What’s the Point of Pickup?

Pickup is a means to developing an ultimate freedom of expression. Master this, and you can confidently navigate a social world. You’ll act in ways that are congruent to yourself, and sleep with beautiful women along the way. I view it like working out. You can go to the gym for 3 to 5 years and develop an excellent physique, which is the base for everything else. What you choose to do with that physique is up to you. I think pickup is similar, in that it shapes you into something new, which then gives you the freedom to have a better life.

However, another way of looking at it is that pickup isn’t about learning a bunch of new skills, it’s about returning to the base state where we should all be anyways. It’s about tearing away years of shitty programming that hold us back from being real men. It’s a subtractive, not an additive process. All of the pickup exercises we practice generate the experience that we need to believe in our own excellence. For affirmations are bullshit, they don’t work unless you have objective evidence to back them up.

Still deadly, but behind a fence the danger is manageable

For a man who go outs regularly, fear is a lion in a zoo. That cat can murder you, but the fence keeps you safe. Pickup is building that fence between you and fear. It’s still there, but it doesn’t run your life. People who never build that fence are fucked. Ironically, people think that by avoiding fear they’re getting rid of it, when in fact it’s controlling their lives. I like this G-Eazy song, but I don’t think it’s right. He says:

“If I ever say I’m never scared, just know, I mean it”

But everyone gets scared, that’s life. The difference is that most people let it affect them. Winners take action no matter what. Doing pickup on a daily basis accustoms you to fear over and over again, till you grow detached and numb to it.

Plans for my Second Year in Pickup

Embrace more fear, do more crazy shit, become even more awesome.

10 Ways to Get Better at Pickup

1. Talk to women at the club.

2. Chat with girls at the bar.

3. Have a conversation with a chick on the sidewalk.

4. Converse with ladies at a lounge.

5. Go back and forth with a girl on the subway.

6. Discourse with women at a beer garden.

7. Instigate communication with a girl at the park.

8. Approach girls at a party.

9. Share a story with a lady in the grocery store.

10. Interact with females at the pub.

How to Not Get Good

1. Read every pickup book and watch every pickup video ever made, while failing to do the 10 things above..

What You Measure Will Improve

Reading an article by Paul Graham (Cofounder of Y Combinator) and this line stuck out to me.

One of the most important principles in Silicon Valley is that “you make what you measure.” It means that if you pick some number to focus on, it will tend to improve.

I immediately thought about how this could be applied to pickup: measure the things that I can control, that I know will lead directly to better results. As opposed to measuring results. For example, I actively measure:

  • How well I did approaching everything
  • How long I stayed out
  • How many sets I reapproached
  • How many times I went for the makeout / pull
  • Etc..

I think it makes more sense to focus on these areas, because by measuring them you will improve them. And improving them leads directly to getting laid more and with more consistency.

Measuring Results

The problem with measuring only results is that game is a fickle mistress and there will be nights you do everything right and still don’t get laid. And nights you do very little but pull. For example, this night I went hard for almost four hours, approached 30 or 40 sets, and left everything at the club. I didn’t get laid. My wingman told me that a few weeks ago he went out, did a few sets, and was walking home when a girl came up to him, said hi, said she was tipsy and her friends were bitches. He slept with her.

So while it’s important to focus on hooking up with the girl, I think that most of the effort should be put into measuring those actions that produce the best chances of success. Improve these and you will get laid.

A Broad Focus in Game

After last Saturday I decided to take a few days off of pickup. 40 days straight was fantastic, but I needed to balance a few things. Tonight I’m staying in but tomorrow (Friday) I’m meeting up with a guy who is visiting from Chicago. Back at it. Here are a few thoughts.

What I’m Focusing on in the Coming Months

  • Reapproaching. This is so big for so many reasons. The most obvious is that some nights there may be only 4 sets. If you don’t reapproach you’re severely limiting yourself. Beyond that, by reapproaching you can show the girl that you’re cool and better than the average drunk bloke. Beyond that, by reapproaching you shut off more filters because it prevents you from thinking “Oh, I already approached her.” I don’t want to think when I’m out, I want to do.
  • Opening everything. Again, the concept of acting without thinking. I don’t want to screen girls because that puts me in my head. Not only that but it subconsciously places more value on the hotter girls which makes it more likely I fuckup the set. So I open everything! Maybe I only stay with the beached porpoise for 10 seconds but I do open her.
  • Merging sets and using pivots. Every time I’ve merged a set the girls have loved it. It’s a great thing to do because everybody wins. Girls get to meet new people, I get to become more cool and gain more social proof, and the party grows. In the same vein I’d like to start using girls as pivots. Talk to a girl, say “Oh hey, she’s my friend, let’s go talk to her.” Go open the new girl.
  • Reinforcing the frames of “I’m awesome” and “Girls love me“. Fairly self-explanatory. I focus on all the experiences that support these frames and drop all the experiences that don’t support them.
  • Taking action for the sake of taking action. This is opposed to doing something to try and get laid, which is a shitty frame to come from and it just doesn’t work. Instead, I want to continually act on my own intentions without giving a thought to what reactions I’ll get. This is one of those things that sounds nice on paper but quickly falls apart when you’re in a crowded bar and about to approach an attractive chick talking to her two friends. It takes time to master this on a deeper and deeper level.

Fuck the Details

If you look at all this you’ll see that I’m putting my focus on broad areas, I’m not trying to master witty openers, learn a bunch of ways to AMOG guys, or develop cute ways to get the phone number. The reason for this is purely pragmatic. The things I listed above are the actions most likely to result in having a great night out and being in a fantastic, free from outcome state. When in this state the petty problems figure themselves out. A girl’s friends leave her with me because they can see I’m cool. A guy doesn’t try to steal my girl because there’s an obvious bond between us. I don’t need a fancy way to go for the pull, I’m so naturally awesome that it’s practically her idea to get out of there. And so on..

By focusing on these larger areas of game the little, thorny aspects tend to sort themselves out. This is an application of an 80/20 analysis (Pareto’s principle) and it’s a tool by which I lead my life.

This has Nothing to do With Game

In 2011 I was a sophomore in college. I bought 50 Bitcoins when they were $3 each. If I had held onto those coins, today (May 11th, 2017) my $150 investment would be worth $91,430. I can assure you, I regret not holding onto those coins. However, there are still opportunities to be had. I’m currently betting on a cryptocurrency called Ripple. Should a Ripple coin reach $10 or even $100 (highly unlikely, but then again nobody ever thought Bitcoins would be worth this much) I’ll be considerably more wealthy than I am now.

I bring it up purely in the spirit of passing along information. Even if you don’t invest any money, maybe you’ll just be interested to learn more about cryptocurrencies and how they may impact future generations. Alternatively, if you do decide to invest, there is a lot of potential for significant growth. An investment in Ripple is an example of a Black Swan event. An asset where there is massive potential for growth, way beyond most assets available on the market.

If you’re not familiar with the idea of a Black Swan, I recommend reading Antifragile by Nassim Taleb. You’ll learn about the difference between a fragile system and an antifragile one. You’ll also learn why the future is inherently unpredictable, despite the hundreds of millions of dollars that get poured into formulas and analysts that attempt to predict it. Fascinating stuff, knowledge is power.

Taking the “Social Me” Out of the Club

Thinking bigger picture, I see pickup as a means to an end. In this case, the end goal is becoming a genuinely social person who is outgoing in life, not just at the club. I want to become the guy who is social whether it’s at the club talking to a gorgeous woman or at the laundromat talking to an 80 year old Polish grandma. It doesn’t matter, I’m not trying to gain something, I’m just being social and offering value. That’s my lifestyle, it’s not a front or a tactic. To that end, I see several foundation principles.

  • Treat every girl the same. It doesn’t matter whether she’s my ideal woman or completely unattractive, I treat her the same. A girl is a girl. I have fun with the fifty year old lady checking out my groceries and I have fun with the twenty-two year old club chick who is going to suck my dick in the bathroom. There are so many advantages of living life like this.

    For one thing, I can think less. I’m not filtering everything through the lens of “she’s hot, I need to turn on the social charm” or “she’s low value, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just be cold.” Fuck that! I can remove these filters and just be that social guy as a way of life. This has the added benefit that..

    When I do see that ideal girl I approach her without thinking and I’m social without thinking because it’s just who I am. I don’t make a big deal out of it, which means she’ll probably get attracted to me.

  • Offering value. My life is glorious, I have good vibes for days and I’d like to share that with other people. The more people the better! I don’t care whether they’ll give it back or what I get out of it. It’s true that I don’t always feel like I’m overflowing with good spirits, but when I do (and it’s happening more and more often) I’d like to bring that into other people’s lives.

    If you really stop to look around you see so many sad looking people with shitty posture and who don’t look friendly. I want to be the 180 degree opposite of that! I want to be the guy who someone meets and remembers for a week because I was so much different than the average beaten down человек..

  • Practicing pickup is really just the spark that starts the forest-fire. I build that spark in the club where I get to do all sorts of cool stuff and be uber super social, but that starts the fire that carries over into my daily life. I’m social and flirty with girls on the subway, girls in line for Subway, girls everywhere. I want to remove my limiting beliefs and fears and recognize that girls are girls and since “girls love me” I always have value to offer!

I could go on but I think I fairly well covered it. Pickup is a fantastic way to get the fire going, but I don’t see it as the ultimate goal. As in, I don’t want to be the guy who has 58 fantastic ways to handle objections to the pull or 21 ways to get a girl isolated from friends. That’s cool, but ultimately I want to reach the next level which is being the super social, cool dude who sucks girls into his world. Whether that’s at the grocery store or at 1 Oak.

The Silliest Thing..

Obviously there are a lot of things influencing my desire to be a social guy at all times, but one of the most obvious ones is this: how silly is it that when I go out to the club at night I turn into this social dude who approaches every girl in his sight-line but then shuts the fuck down during the daytime? Really, I can approach 30 women over the course of the night but I see one girl at the pizza place and I freeze up? After a while there is some major cognitive dissonance here. Everything I’m doing at night proves that I’m a social guy (notice, this comes from massive experience not affirmations. Affirmations have not worked well for me, especially when they’re obviously untrue. Like saying “My game is a 10” when it’s obviously not. Instead, I’ve found something that works much better for me than affirmations, but this is a topic for another article).

My Belief..

I really and truly believe that I was meant to be this social person but I had it beaten the fuck out of me by an over-bearing father. I think that under different circumstances I would naturally be that super-fun party guy! My childhood may not have resulted in that, but I look at it as an OK thing. I’m going to become that person I was meant to be and because I had to go through the journey and the challenge of it I’ll have a tremendous depth of character that I might not have had otherwise. Also, even though my father beat the social side out of me (figuratively, her never laid a finger on me) he did teach me some incredibly valuable skills like work ethic, discipline and how to be man. For that I’m incredibly grateful.

5 Thoughts On Learning a Skill (Game)

Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert) advances a clever idea: instead of focusing on becoming top 1% in any given area (requires thousands of hours and years of dedication), focus on becoming the top 25% in two or three skills. For Scott he is top 25% in drawing and humor. Combine that with a business background and he’s got a very unique skill set which has earned him millions.

In my case, I’m working to become top 25% in writing, pickup, and web-design. I write every day, I go out a lot, and I regularly build websites from the ground up for shits and giggles. Stir that up in a cauldron, throw in some salt and bullshit, and you’ve got the makings of nontraditional, totally fucking awesome lifestyle.

What about you? What two or three skills are you working towards becoming top 25% in? How can you leverage those advantages to create an awesome life?

Quitting When Something Isn’t Working

Believe it or not there is a time to quit. Various people will say different things, but I like to think of it like this..

You should quit when repeated effort is showing very little (to no) progress and / or you don’t have massive passion to overcome the obstacles.

Example..

When I was 19 I decided that I wanted to become a DJ. I had my stepmom buy me Fruity Loops for Christmas and I worked with that fucking program daily for a year. I made dozens (hundreds?) of songs, of which exactly 1 turned out OK (by my definition). Further, even though I made music every day I never felt like I was making meaningful progress. After a year I searched Google for “How much money can a DJ make?” and I knew it was time to quit. Not enough passion to overcome the obstacles.

I’ve always liked poker and when I was 21 I decided to get into it. I played online every day for six months. I read the books, I took notes, I watched the YouTube videos. At the end of 180 days I was worse than when I started. Without any massive passion (I cared more about how much “easy” money I could make, versus mastering the game) I knew it was time to quit. So I got drunk, played recklessly and lost my last $50. I haven’t played a hand since.

I’m not encouraging you to quit pickup if you find it difficult (if everybody did that nobody would ever get good). However, you should realize that getting good requires passion. If your sole priority is getting laid (versus growing as an individual) then you will most likely find it harder to stick it out during those times when everything is going to shit and no girl in a 100 mile radius wants to sleep with you.

More to point, there’s more than one way to skin a chicken. Maybe you go out 5 nights a week for 3 months and realize that yeah, this shit is real. It works, but I just don’t have that massive drive to become awesome at it. Instead, you spend your extra free time learning to play the guitar, join a band, gain notoriety in your city and end up getting laid more than most pickup guys anyways.

What are You Willing to Sacrifice?

Getting good at pickup (or any skill for that matter) requires sacrificing other things. For instance, in pickup you’ll be going out and approaching women during the night. That means you won’t have time to hang out with your buddies, are you willing to lose those relationships? Friends and coworkers who find out what you’re doing may think you’re weird and disown you. Do you care? What if your family finds out? Even if your job has flexible hours you’ll be losing sleep. And so on.

What are you willing to give up?

If you’re not willing to make sacrifices to learn pickup then you’re not ready to get good. As Tyler Durden said:

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Obviously you won’t lose everything, but after a year of doing pickup your life may be radically fucking different. In many ways it will be better, but in some ways it may be worse (loss of relationships, possible weird relationships with family members who don’t understand what you’re doing, less time for other hobbies, work, studies, etc). Is that a trade-off you’re willing to make?

Opportunity Cost

Commit to pickup or get the fuck out. You will not get good at this going out twice a week and doing an approach here or there. Or going hard for three weeks then quitting for two months then going out every night for a week then not going out for five weeks. Fuck that, don’t even bother. Getting good requires consistently going out (and approaching!!!) 3 to 7 nights a week for several years in a row. No bullshit, no excuses.

If you’re not ready to commit to that then you’re wasting your own time. You would be better off learning to play the drums, spending time at work earning more money, or whatever else. That’s why I would strongly advise you to do this..

  1. Ask yourself the hard question: are you ready to commit to going out multiple times every single week for the next couple of years? Are you willing to make the sacrifices that that entails?
  2. Do you have a plan to maintain this for the long term? E.g. are you going to be able to balance work and pickup, do you have a way to meet wingmen who you can consistently go out with?
  3. Do you have the passion to stick with it even when everything seems grim and girls don’t seem to like you at all?

Be honest with yourself, and recognize also that right now may not be the best time for pickup. I learned about this stuff when I was 18 but I wasn’t ready to embrace it then. From 18 till my 24th birthday I was more focused on playing beer pong in college, writing, learning a second language and traveling the world. Then I came to NYC at 24, started hitting it five to seven nights a week and that’s continuing to this day. I’ve given up many things to live a lifestyle that’s dominated by pickup, and I’m loving (almost) every second of it 🙂

Parting Thoughts

I hope that you’ve gained something from this article. If you’ve found it interesting I have a few more resources to recommend. This brilliant article by Taylor Pearson and Warren Buffet’s 5 & 25 Rule. Finally, if you’re as interested in the process of learning and doing it efficiently, I highly recommend Josh Waitzkin’s The Art of Learning.

Getting the Reference Experience vs. Pushing for the Result

There are so many angles to come at this issue. I’ll start with this one. In the pickup community there are a lot of leaders who say things like “Always go for the pull!” or “Man up and make shit happen!” or “Take massive action!”. They don’t come right out and say it, but it’s all but implied that if you don’t pull you’ve fucked up. Their motives in saying these things are good. They want guys to push past their comfort zones and do things that they’re uncomfortable doing. If you’re some random bloke just getting into pickup and you’ve had sex with three girls in your life, then yeah. That intense pressure makes sense. You probably need that drive in order to do something that you’ve never done before (push for a ONS with a girl you met at the bar).

However……………………

At a certain point this intense focus on closing can be taken too far. It can manifest in an obsession with results. This is a massive problem for me right now. I go out a lot and I watch a lot of pickup material. As a result I’m getting better, but I’m also judging myself more on my results than I ever used to. When I started I was thrilled when I did three approaches in a night! Big fucking deal man. I gave a fuck how they went, I just cared that I took action and got some new experience. Now I’ve performed a 180! I give a fuck that I did twenty approaches, but I’m thrilled when I pull. There are so many problems with this.

  1. It makes pickup less fun. No matter how much I’d like to, I can’t control the outcome. By judging myself on my results I’m becoming the guy who isn’t playing for the love of the game, he’s playing for the paycheck and the glory. Needless to say, these players are not the ones who go the farthest.
  2. It makes the results less likely to come. The less you care, the more likely you are to sleep with the girl. If you’re a needy little fucker who just wants to get laid so he can write about it on his pickup blog; you better fuck yourself because the girl isn’t going to.
  3. It causes you to ignore all of the progress that you’re making.

I’m experiencing all of this right now. But I’m not the only one! I’d like to share an excerpt from a post that I read on the forums.

“I WANT THE RESULTS TOO MUCH. I want to rush it. I want to rush everything : getting the results on the same day, finding the hot girl of the night asap, pushing the interaction the desired conclusion as fast as possible, etc etc.  I don’t want to wait : hot girls are in a way so rare that I want it work as soon as I see one. But it makes me so outcome dependent that everything becomes heavier and more difficult.”

Believe it or not I’m not the person who wrote this, even though I expressed an almost identical sentiment (in this report) when I wrote:

“That’s why I get the feeling that I’ve been fucking up by trying to shortcut this comfort building stage. The point where we actually get to know each other and enjoy each others company. What I’ve been mostly doing is trying to skip this and get straight to the sex.”

Crazy shit. The guy who wrote the former excerpt is at a higher level than me (he’s worried about pulling hot girls, I’m worried about just pulling girls period). However, it’s obvious that getting better results is not the solution to the problem. As soon as you reach the next level then you set higher goals and the process repeats itself. That leads us to….

The Solution

This: focus on getting the maximum amount of reference experience, forget about the results. I’m sure that this is just one of many frames that help to fix the problem of obsession with results, but it seems like the most effective solution to me. Focusing on the reference experience means taking right action, pushing your comfort zone, and embracing growth. It means accepting results as they come, not obsessing over them. However, this comes with the caveat that…

You’re already taking massive action!

I’m coming from a place where it’s second nature for me to go for the pull, open the tough set, do the scary thing. I don’t even think about it, I do it. If this is not second nature then having voice yelling “Always be closing!” may be the best thing. But if you find yourself in a place where the results have become more important than anything else, it may be time to rethink things.

And So………….

I go out with the constant reminder to collect reference experience, not mentally flog myself because I didn’t pull. I accept that I cannot control the outcome. I can push the living fuck out of my comfort zone, I can approach everything in sight, I can reapproach everything, I can do my damned best job and then I can go home and feel awesome about myself, regardless of the outcome.

Old Girls vs. New Girls: On Being Cool

There’s an idea involving wealth which is fairly intuitive. New wealth people (entrepreneurs, first generation finance guys, etc.) tend to do everything in their power to show everyone else how wealthy they are. They buy Lamborghinis, shop at the Gucci store and post their private jet trips to Instagram. The money is a big fucking deal to them and they want everyone to know they have it. What about the old wealth families who have been rich for generations? They live luxury lives but they won’t brag about it or try to prove how much money they have. In fact, in many cases they may go out of their way to conceal how wealthy they are. How does this relate to girls?

A guy who is good with girls and has gotten laid his whole life has nothing to prove. He has lots of sex, that’s his life, it’s no big deal. But for the guy who has never really gotten laid before, once he finally starts pulling it’s a very big deal. He (typically) brags to his friends, tells his pickup buddies, and exhibits other behavior that make it obvious that getting laid is a very big deal to him.

Example: I’m part of a group chat with a bunch of PUAs from NYC. Recently one guy posted a picture of a girl and told everyone it’s the second chick he’s slept with in 24 hours. That’s awesome, I know that he’s worked very hard to reach that skill level. However, what’s he really doing? He’s feeding his ego, boasting to a bunch of guys he’s never met, and basically showing to everyone that getting laid is still a big deal and not simply his lifestyle. A natural would never create a post like that, talking about his sexual exploits to a bunch of strangers in a group chat. In fact I’ve known very, very good naturals who have turned down sex with attractive women because they didn’t feel like it was in alignment with their values or that they would be better men because of it.

What’s the Point?

Basically this: don’t be the new-girls guy. Don’t be the guy who has to brag about getting laid and flaunt it in front of a bunch of sex-starved strangers. You’ll get some props, but you’ll also hurt yourself because the really cool dudes will know exactly what you’re about. Besides, the more attached you are to the results, the harder it is to get future results. Would you rather lead the life of having non-stop sex, or be perceived as leading that life? Would you rather be the guy who can realistically afford a Toyota but buys a BMW, or be the guy who can afford a Lamborghini but drives a Honda?

This is a concept that I think about often and I try to apply as much as possible to my own life. For instance, I rarely talk about my sex life with any of my friends. When I pull I write a field report about it and I usually tell my wingman who was there with me that night, but that’s all. I don’t want the recognition of having pulled, I want the lifestyle where I’m pulling all the time, even if nobody else on this planet knows about it.

So ask yourself, are you a new-girls guy or an old-girls guy? If you’re exposing yourself as a new-girls guy, how can you move that to the point where sex is normal and you’re not trying to show off? Also, check out this fantastic video, Brad fucking nails it.

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