Twenty-three days deep in my 30 day challenge and it finally happened, time to replace the condom in my wallet. Last night I approached 30+ sets and had an insane time. Tonight was 180 degrees opposite. Instead of doing a bazillion sets I only did five, but I stuck in each one for a very long time.
First set of the night started off really good but I messed it up somehow. I don’t have any idea what exactly what I did wrong. I tried leading three times but no go. She seemed really into me for a while but eventually she left me to go talk to her friend. I moved on and opened a good-looking German girl. She was with four friends and I think she actually was shy. As opposed to when me and my wingman call every girl who rejects us shy haha.
Next I open a way cuter than normal Asian girl and I stay with her for forty-five minutes. I lean in for the makeout multiple times but it never happens. She’s not kissing me, logistics are horrible, but I stick in. Two reasons. The first is that while approaching dozens of girls last night was a blast, I don’t want to do it two nights in a row. I’d rather stay and get to know a girl. Second, I’m getting reference experience. Can I stay in for a long time and make something happen? If I stay in for an hour will she finally be ready to makeout? And so forth, lessons to be learned. Eventually though I have enough and I ask her for her number, but she says no! I’m very surprised. If I get to know a girl that well it’s rare for her to say no, but here we are. I leave the set feeling confused.
Five minutes later I open a very tall girl and we immediately click. It was really cool to just hang out with my arm around her and talk. I had no agenda, I was just existing. All I knew was that I didn’t want to go on an opening rampage again so I was totally content to just chill with her. I lean in for the kiss multiple times before she finally accepts it, but even then we don’t make out. She says that she doesn’t like PDA. Ok, everyone is different. She’s really fun and I tell her:
“I can tell you’re a cool person because you’re laughing at all my jokes”
She laughs harder. I stay with her for about an hour but by that time I’ve had enough. Her logistics are impossible and if she won’t even makeout in public I doubt bathroom sex will be her cup of tea. I get her number, say I’ll be right back, and then I never return haha.
By now my wingman has left. It’s about 2:30, I’ve been out three hours, spent 94% of that time talking to girls and I’ve only opened four sets. I could leave but fuck it, I still feel good. I go to the outside area and see a girl standing by herself. I walk up, say:
“It’s a fantastic view here isn’t it.”
We start talking and it’s just that, talking. I have zero fucking agenda or dependence on any kind of outcome. I figure at some point she’ll leave and I’ll leave and that will be the night. But it doesn’t happen, we have a lot to talk about. Then she invites me to go to a more exclusive area of the club and I follow. We sit down and keep talking. And then something happens. We’re chatting, I’ve got my arm around her, we’re close to kissing, and then my brain clicks. I’ve got this. She’s more invested than me. I am owning this, I am the prize, she wants this more than me. And just like that my attitude shifts and I feel great. I feel towards her the way you would feel towards your girlfriend. Sex is assured, it’s not a big deal, it’s just going to happen. You don’t have to lead anymore, show any more value, be anything you’re not. Just keep existing, don’t say anything too fucking stupid and you’ve got this.
We’re sitting with her friends and when they leave she decides to stay with me. We talk until 3:30 at which point I say:
“I need to get out of here, it’s getting late.”
She replies: “Me too.”
Finally, after nearly an hour, we start making out. She’s very into it, mouth-rape I call it haha. She’s staying in a hotel in Midtown and I say I’ll see her there. It doesn’t matter what I say, it’s happening. I get into the Uber with her, get to the hotel, tell her I have to pee. She says we can’t go to her room because her friend is there but she asks the hotel clerk if there is a bathroom in the lobby. We go there and hookup. A bathroom adventure at 4 in the morning. Then I add her on Facebook, kiss her goodbye and we go our separate ways.
*It’s informative to compare the statistics between my two nights out this weekend. Friday (30-40 approaches, kissed 1 girl, nothing even close to a pull). Saturday (5 approaches, kissed 2 girls, pulled). What the fuck is going on here? They say massive action is what gets you results but clearly there is something more than that. I’ve thought about this a lot and the best thing I can say is this: when I’m doing insane amounts of approaches and “putting in the work”, I’m fucking trying. A lot.. And what happens when you try? You get outcome dependence (well, for now at least). This doesn’t make me a horrible person, it’s natural to wish for a result when you’re working your ass off. But that’s just not the way it works. As soon as you want / need to see a reward you’re fucked. You’ve got outcome dependence which is essentially the goldenrule of what you can’t have when you do this. So it’s not that taking massive action is wrong, but if it leads to you feeling like you need a reward or that women owe you something, you’re fucked. No matter how good your state, opener, or linguistical bullshitting ability is.
Compare that to last night when I didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted to talk to a few girls and not open a bazillion sets again. The girl I ended up pulling, I spent the first half an hour not “trying” to do a damn thing. I was just talking to her, enjoying the conversation. Man, it was basically getting to know her with absolutely zero intention of having sex, and as a result of that sex happened. I still don’t fully understand this, but none-the-less I’m a little bit obsessed thinking about it and how I can extrapolate this lesson to increase my future success.
*It’s very possible that creating attraction is not my problem in the club. I’m a good looking dude who is very confident and sometimes even funny. And yet as I’ve been told over and over, attraction isn’t enough. A girl won’t sleep with you if there isn’t comfort (in general. I’m fully aware there are plenty of girls who will fuck you in the bathroom after 5 minutes). That’s why I get the feeling that I’ve been fucking up by trying to shortcut this comfort building stage. The point where we actually get to know each other and enjoy each others company. What I’ve been mostly doing is trying to skip this and get straight to the sex. Maybe because I don’t want to put the time in to actually having the 45 minute conversation. But this is obviously insane! I just went out for fifty fucking days in a row without pulling, do you know how many times over I used up 45 minutes to no serious result? Damn dude, just invest the time to get to know the girl.
*Outcome independence is crucial but it’s not something that I can just switch on. It’s more like a general lifestyle, and building it (at least for me) takes time. I had it last night and I did very well. I’ve lacked it other times and gotten crushed. In general though I never have outcome independence far from my mind, and I’m always working towards a point where I care less and enjoy the process more. In terms of getting laid and also just in terms of learning pickup. Go out, have fun, push the comfort zone, embrace the unknown and let the results come as they will.