This report is going to be divided into two sections. The first is a brief overview of my night out in Bangkok. The second part is an annoyingly honest evaluation of my life at present. This second part is mostly for me, I don’t imagine many will muster the interest to read it. So with that being said, let’s look at Bangkok.
A few months ago this RSD guy who I met in New York hit me up and asked go to out. Said I couldn’t, I was going to Thailand. He said he was too, what a coincidence. Said he had an apartment in State Tower, downtown Bangkok. Invited me to stay with him and I accepted. After recovering from jet lag on Friday night, Saturday night we took a ride out to the main party road in Bangkok. Debauchery, drunkenness, filth and hedonism.
I haven’t talked to any girls in two weeks but I got right into it. Could feel my vibe was off which was to be expected. Kept approaching, things got a bit better. I sat down to talk to this English chick but the music was so loud we couldn’t hear each other. In general this whole area was the loudest place I’ve ever been in my life as a PUA. Made it impossible to even attempt to have a conversation.
I kept at it though and got a couple of “bad” rejections which really stung. Then I found this cute French girl and it was on. We were vibing, I could tell she liked me, bam… But I had to leave her because my wingman was lost, I didn’t have a working cellphone and without him I can’t get home. So that was the best set of the night. If it weren’t for the missing wingman and lost in Bangkok factor I would have pushed it much, much further.
After that we did a few more half-assed approaches before calling it a night. I got 2.4 hours of sleep, woke up and got on a bus, then a ferry, to arrive in Koh Samui 10 hours later. I’ll be here for the next 6 weeks, living with the two RSD guys who I spent two weeks in Ukraine with. Glory times! Now let’s look at the state of my existence on this planet.
Right now I’m in this really weird fucking place where I feel like no girl will ever like me. It’s really demented because logically speaking it’s not true. But I think that not getting laid in 3 months is playing a big part in that thinking. How the fuck did I manage to not get laid in three months? Shitty logistics and living with a domineering, older lady who tried to run my life and treat me like her son. I knew that this living situation would be shitty but I just didn’t realize how much a lack of freedom would affect me. I suspect it’s one of the reasons guys feel so miserable in marriage when they feel like their wife runs everything.
Another aspect of me not feeling like a king is that I’m being unnecessarily hard on myself. I accept 100% responsibility for my life, I do not blame others. However, I think a lot of my negative thinking originates from the pickup community. The message that I tend to pick up is that you should go harder, stay out longer, pull more, be bolder and if you don’t get laid X amount you have to check yourself.
This is probably really helpful for people who are just getting started, they need that kick in the ass. However, right now it’s hurting more than helping me. When I go out I’m so obsessed with getting the makeout, doing the tough approaches, breaking new boundaries, that I forget to just have fun. I’m so fucking caught up in my head that I can’t just let it all go and enjoy myself. Which, if I could do this more consistently, I believe would get me laid a lot more! And this doesn’t just apply to the club. I consistently judge myself throughout the day which, to some degree, hinders my ability to be that cool guy with the charismatic vibe
All that being said, I’m going to do a bit of an experiment. I’m going to stop reading so many god damn self-help books and comparing myself to people like Julien, Jocko, Wade Alters, Jordan Peterson, etc. I’m going to focus on telling myself I am enough already. I’m good enough for a girl to love, I’m good enough to be a cool person. If I never adopt this mindset than I’ll never get there! I could sleep with a 100 girls and read a 1,000 self-help books but if I feel like I still have to reach some next level, I’ll just end up climbing a ladder that never ends. Fuck that!
Another aspect of feeling like I’m not enough, this one more insidious, is the fact that I have the tendency to come early during sex. Never to the point where I blew a load in my pants, but there have been more than a few 14 second experiences. I’ve maybe confessed this to three or four people in my entire life. It’s been like a daemon in my soul, eating at me, eroding my confidence. When my mind decides to make an especially big deal out of it I reach the point where I’m actually scared to have sex because I’m scared of disappointing the girl and embarrassing myself. It really sucks.
Like many other things in life, this problem is not entirely logical. Of the 20+ girls I’ve slept with in my life, I’d say that me coming early has actually only been a deal breaker with 3. Most of the time they don’t care or I have no problem lasting longer for whatever reason (a few beers helps so much for some reason?). But still the insecurity remains. This is something I really, really need to change. The amount of time I spend mentally flagellating myself over this is entirely out of proportion to the problem. Again, I’m hoping to change this by just talking about this (even 3 months ago I was too scared to write about it) and just accepting it. Sure, sometimes I will come early. However, I always strive to give the girl a great sexual experience and also, when I have a girlfriend and we have sex a lot, the problem goes away.
Finally, lately I find myself thinking that I have to be the most attractive man on the planet or girls won’t want me. Total fucking bullshit! I don’t expect the girls I sleep with to be perfect, just meet some basic criteria. The criteria for girls to sleep with a guy is typically higher but it’s not so high that I have to be some sort of saint. By accepting myself flaws and all, and realizing that girls have flaws too, I can get to the point where I’m OK with myself as I am. I don’t have to be Julien or Brad Pitt, I can be me and girls will like me!
That’s everything in a nutshell. The two biggest takeaways are that I had no idea how detrimental it would be to live with an overbearing roommate who wanted me to act like her son. I thought I could ignore her, I couldn’t. I went borderline insane and the effects of that spilled over into all aspects of my life. Second, it would behoove me to stop trying so fucking hard to chase perfection. Always reading another self-help book, doing the next “right” thing, striving to always be better.
I mean this is all good, but I’m already on the right highway to success. Maybe the 80mph lane gets me there a bit faster, but I’m also more likely to crash and burn. As it is I’m driving 65mph and doing just fine. Lighten up, love myself a bit more and get back some of that naturally magnetic vibe that I’ve had in times past.