Fuck me I didn’t want to go out. I walked from my boss’s place in Soho to within a block of the bar. Stopped, sat down on a bench, listened to Peter Thiel’s exceptional book Zero to One. It’s 40 degrees out. I’m sitting on my hands to keep them warm. The only other people around are the homeless. Grand. I search for reasons to walk that extra block and approach. Horny? Nope, not really. Because I promised I would go out five nights a week? I could go out Sunday and still make that goal. Because I want to get better? I feel like shit about pickup right now and don’t see how I’m going to make progress. Because I’m cold? I’ll deal with it. Because I’m already almost there? I’m also almost at the subway. Etc…..
This continues for a while until I finally hit upon a winner: tomorrow I’m going to see my wingman and I don’t want to have to tell him that I stayed in last night. That’s it. That little gem popped into my head and 20 seconds later I had switched from Thiel to my new favorite club amp up song and I was walking down 9th towards 2nd ave. I said this to myself: do one fucking approach. That’s it. You do that, even if it last for five seconds, and you will have fulfilled your goal. One fucking approach, you got this.
I ended up doing about six and they all went pretty good. However, my heart wasn’t in it. My second set of the night was a cute Mexican girl who definitely attracted to me. We talked for three minutes but then her friends told her time to go. If I was into it I would have dealt with this and kept talking to her. But I felt that most evil of emotions; apathy. Same thing with some other sets. I overrode my bitchbutterbrain but I still felt detached. Did talk to a PUA who I’ve seen a bunch of times. Only a matter of time before I decided to say hi to him and last night was the night.
In terms of my mood I’m still a bit fucked from the club on Sunday. I’ve done everything I know to get over it. I’ve written about the lessons here and in my personal journal. I’ve mediated more than normal. I’ve thought about all my progress and how far I’ve already come. I’ve watched some great pickup content. I’ve reframed the night as positive and a learning experience. That’s great but there is some emotional aspect of it that’s still bumming me out with pickup right now. I just feel like saying fuck pickup for a minute and focus on my other main hobby. I’ve been getting keen satisfaction from learning German and I’d be happy to spend three hours a day on it. Anyways, I’ll obviously keep going out five nights but I might be doing shorter sessions until I can wash away that difficult night at the club and let time dull some of the emotions.