My expectations for a night have shifted. If I go out I expect to pull. That’s my new reality and it’s pretty fucking cool. Paradoxically, I’m making the conscious decision to never again have a bad night. No matter what shit happens, no matter how many rejections I get, I’m always going to leave and find something positive to focus on. I’ll recognize the mistakes and learn from them, I won’t dwell on them.
What Went Right
*About 80 minutes deep I was feeling like a social pariah. I wasn’t having fun and I hadn’t approached in a dozen minutes. I said fuck it, I’ve got to make something happen. I approached two of the cuter girls at the bar and even though the conversation lasted 30 seconds I immediately felt 4x better.
*I got a clear idea of what it takes to make every night good, I have to keep approaching. When I’m feeling knocked out the most difficult aspect of approaching is a lack of agency. Right or wrong I feel as though there’s no conceivable way I’m getting laid. What I have to do is flip this around and set zero expectations for myself. My only criteria for success is doing the approach, let go of the outcome. This contradicts the idea that I’m at the bar to get laid, but in the moment when I’m feeling less than awesome it’s crucial that I lower expectations and focus exclusively on getting myself to take action.
*After 90 minutes I was on the way out the door when I saw one of my wingman who had showed up late. I already had my backpack on and was ready to bounce but he encouraged me to stay a while. So I did and we got in some sets and I talked to a cool guy for 15 minutes. Choosing to stay a while longer was the right thing to do.
What Went Wrong
*One of the first sets of the night was two cute girls sitting down. My wingman opened and I came in. Initially I think my girl was attracted to me and the interaction was solid for about 5 to 10 minutes. Then it fell apart and they eventually left. I was disappointed that I couldn’t maintain the attraction and make something happen, I found my girl very cute. However, that leads to the next point.
*I used to be a crazy guy who tried to kiss everything. I had a casual disregard for the situation. Then I learned that some girls don’t like to kiss in front of their friends and some girls won’t kiss you until you’re 20 minutes deep and so forth. I’ve internalized that knowledge and taken it too far. I’ve backed off to the point where I’m not going for the kiss in situations where I really ought to. I have to move back towards that point where I’m going for the kiss and then calibrating after. Learning this is like watching a pendulum swing. The center is perfection, the ball swings from side to side but with time it gets closer to that sweet point in the middle.
A Woman’s Attractiveness
As the guy, you are responsible for how women react to you. Setting aside those times when you get blown out immediately or the girl has a boyfriend, if you’re in a set with potential, your reactions to her dictate how it will go. I found my girl to be awfully cute and I lost my positive-dominant frame because of it. Whereas the girl from Friday night, she was less attractive and I owned that shit. Short of stabbing me in the face with an ice pick there was nothing that girl could have done to throw me out of my awesome reality. She could have told me to eat a bag of dicks, fuck my mother and jump in front of a Greyhound and I would have laughed and called her silly.
The girl last night didn’t have to do any of that, her beauty was enough to put me in my head. It’s an interesting dynamic and I’m not sure there is a magic pill solution besides going out more and becoming immune to her looks. You can appreciate her sexiness but you don’t have to let it dictate your reality.