For some unknown reason my brain is hitting me hard, hard, hard with the idea that I should stay in and not go out. I should give up on pickup, or at the very least not go out tonight (it says this to me every single night). It’s really being quite persistent. Ironic because I’ve been doing consistently better in the last month than any other time in my life. Maybe this is a success barrier? I’m not really sure. I don’t understand it but I don’t have to understand it to find it fucking deadly. This voice is strong and it really wants me to listen to it. It wants me to stay in and read books and watch movies. That’s fun but it doesn’t help to achieve what I want. Further, I have to remember that each night does matter. I might not fully understand how it matters but over the course of a month or three the little things add up. Anyways, let’s take a brief look at last night.

Go to the club. Wingman is supposed to join me but he shows up late and has to pay cover. He has no money for cover, I’m having a solo night. A drunkish guy starts talking to me. Tells me he works in finance which is superficial information as he might as well have INVESTMENT BANKER tattooed on his fucking forehead. He’s absurd but likable. Even though I’ve been in NYC coming up on a year it still strikes me that some twenty-five year old kid is making $150,000 a year and buying $10 beers like they’re water. Where I grew up someone was living very fucking well if they made $60,000 a year. NYC is not the real world.

I see Karen who I met last Wednesday. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said she’s not cute. Maybe just dressed bad last time because she looked great. We danced and had fun. An enjoyable human being, I think I’ll see her again. I talk to some other people and it all goes good but I never push the envelope. I don’t go for makeouts, I don’t even get that physical. I play it safe. I mostly just dance and listen to the music. I had the foundation of a great night but I never executed.

I don’t excel at pushing myself into sets when solo. Literally if some random stranger walked up and said go talk to that girl, I would open in a heartbeat. But I can’t quite make that click happen with just my motivation. It sucks, but it’s a learning experience. Each time that I go out solo if I open one more girl than the last time I’ll eventually reach the point where I’m having great nights without a wingman. Not that last night was bad, it’s just that I didn’t push for any real lessons.

Notes

*I have to stay out longer. I have nobody to blame but myself. I’m usually the first to suggest going home. Ostensibly I can point out that I go out five nights a week so I can stay out a shorter amount of time. However, that math is falling apart. If I only do two hours a night, five nights a week, then the guy who does four hours a night three times a week is actually getting better faster! I have to go out a lot and stay out longer.

*Creating an awesome night out while solo requires discipline. I was able to do it last Tuesday at the bar because I followed a strict regiment. I didn’t do that last night and I floundered because of it.

*Not going to see Christine who I went on a date with last Saturday. I mentioned I wasn’t sure whether I should say “You’ll never see me again” when her friend was pulling her away. I opted to not say that and instead said “I’ll text you.” Well that failed. She texted back but we’re not meeting up this weekend (so 97% chance never meeting up). In general I don’t want to do night threes anyways. So from now on I just say “Now or never”.

*More of a note to myself than anything: each night does fucking matter! Don’t let my fucked up brain convince me otherwise. Get out there and practice. In the long term the results are awesome.

*Maybe part of the problem is that I’m framing pickup as work and something I have to do instead of something that I get to do. There’s a big distinction there. By framing it better I may enjoy my nights more and feel less inclined to skip them. I mention this because I’m learning German right now and I have no trouble getting myself to study. I even look forward to it! And I view every lesson as important while simultaneously not worrying about progress. If I could adopt my learning German attitude into pickup I think I would be much happier.

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