Out in Black

Learning Game: Reports from the Field

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Fishing Without Bait

My sister came over last weekend so I haven’t been out in five or six nights. Hit up the Tuesday spot and started opening. I’ll be damned if anything stuck. I was in that zone where sets don’t last but a couple of seconds before the girl turns away. This happens sometimes, usually when I’m in a foul mood. What’s strange is that last night I was in a great mood and my mood improved with every set. But I still wasn’t hooking anything. I think that I could have pushed past it if there was more opportunity. But there wasn’t, we opened till there was nothing left to open.

I’m not sure I have much else to say beyond that. I did everything I could do and I had a really fun night. I couldn’t find it, whatever it is. I’ll get at it tonight and see what happens.

Getting Good at Pickup: Perspective from Two Advanced Guys

Hey gents, I’ve got some wisdom to share. First we have the perspective of Distant Light, who is the person I aspire to be. I may have posted this before, not sure, either way it’s valuable. The second post is from a cool guy who I messaged on the RSD forum. I read some of his posts, knew he was legit and decided to reach out. He will go unnamed, however, he’s been going out for 4 years and has reached a high level. Enjoy!

Question: what did you do to get good at pickup?

Distant Light

Think…
– Lack of fear & ego
– Good Intentions, this naturally came due to experiences others were having as a result of my presence
– Affinity for adventure, risk-taking, thrills, spontaneity…I loved being on the fringe of the unknown as that is where people should be exploring.
– Realist…I make the experiences & proof in the pudding do the talking, so rather than a scientist more of a data collector who then pieces together whatever was accumulated
– Challenge Myself…Only thing I care about is personal growth, everything else is a platform…When we die that is all we take with us, not materials
– NPMR Experiences have made me more aware of the illusions of life, where nothing is taken as seriously as the average. (Exception being monogamous relationship, I have gone mental because of it)
– I lived like I did because of the memorable experiences I had…Nothing compares to that time frame. Prague last year is the closest thing to it minus fact didn’t go on a fuckfest like I would’ve done…However, that’s just complimentary to overall memorable experiences.
– Non-Judgmental…I understand everyone is on their own path and have their own affinities…I love internal peace, adventure, pushing the edge and exploring

RSD Guy

Yeah, apart from getting out the house (and patting yourself on the back for it, HUGE thing that seems insignificant) I’d put my success down to these things:

Consistency
Resilience
Positive reframing
Trying my best in each set that I really wanted
and then learning as much as I can from each set… (what did I learn here etc..)
In the tough times, Believing you’re about to blast through the plateau
imagining the next chick you meet is gonna be the next amazing chick in your life…keeps you at you’re best (on your toes) at all times
Working out
Food
Image
Holistic growth
Reading
Hustling
Keeping it real with the girls, not being gimicky, or being a “player” just cos you think that’s what is cool,….

Thanks for messaging 🙂

Girls Chasing me and Premature Escalation

Here’s how it went. Showed up at the club, walked around and didn’t see my wingmen. Opened a girl and ended up staying with her for twenty or thirty minutes. I was in a sweet zone of not chasing and she started investing into me. A lot. The less I talked, the more I held strong eye contact, the more and more she qualified herself. This is what I’m working towards! I see brief glimpses of it sometimes but last night was an excellent example of the potential.

She had a boyfriend and she ended up leaving, but I think that with a few simple tweaks I could have kissed her. At one point there was so much sexual tension in the air you could have bottled it and solid it to virgins in India. However, I diffused it by trying to kiss her at the wrong moment. Next time I’m going to let this tension build as high as it will fucking go.

There was another cute girl, later on, and I saw some signs from her so I went for the makeout after three minutes. Wrong move, basically blew the set. I’m really happy that I went for it though, I’d always rather risk it then not go for it and feel shitty.

I can say that my biggest sticking point at the moment is understanding sexual pressure, windows, and when to go for the makeout. There are times I lose sets because I don’t kiss her and she wants to get sexual. So she finds another guy who will pull the trigger. Other times I lose it by being too hasty. I’ve been honing in on this for months and I still feel like I’m tying my shoe laces, I haven’t even stepped on the court yet.

Notes

*Investment based game where she’s doing the talking and chasing me isn’t flashy. I’m not saying witty things, cracking jokes, doing a bunch of polarizing statements or whatever. So it’s basically opposite of all that “cool” stuff you see in pickup videos. But it’s effective! And it’s the point I’m aiming towards because it’s real game. The girl, chasing me, getting so invested in me that she doesn’t want to leave. Taking this to a high level is going to be powerful.

*To make this happen I think that one thing I can do is go into set high energy and get the ball rolling the first few minutes. Then I start to back off and let her keep it rolling.

*Last night, for about forty-five minutes, I felt like I was expressing myself in a very congruent manner. My words were clear and on point. Then that faded and I could feel myself slip back into a sub-par place. My words felt cloudy and metallic. It’s interesting to notice it though. You can’t really notice it if you have no comparison, but once you’ve been in that sweet spot you can recognize when you slip out. I trust that in the future I’ll spend more time authentically expressing myself and the results will be better because of it.

*At this point a major reason that I’m going out and putting all this time into pickup is because I’m addicted to the growth. I see myself becoming more confident, more grounded and expressing myself in a more authentic fashion. It’s really fucking cool because it transcends pickup and makes my life better on a daily basis. Of course the girls are great too, but even when I’m not pulling much (it’s been a month or so?) I’m still really happy. I love the experience, the challenge and doing the work for the sake of doing the work.

*I’ve noticed that my nights are getting consistently better. I’m having long interactions with women and getting blown out far less.

A Single Approach on the Street

This is actually a big deal for me. I saw a cute girl on the street and walked by. Then I turned around, walked through the haze of fear and went to say hi to her. I have this thing where talking to women during the daytime is scary for me. I have lots of respect for the guys who do it all the time.

I’m writing this because I want to encourage myself to keep it up. My aim is to be a well rounded guy who brings women into his life at all points. Also, at my WeWork, there are about half a dozen awesome looking women. I’m going to start talking to them with no motive in mind. Just see what’s up with them, how they’re living.

Running the Usual Game in LES

The cute girl I pulled home but didn’t close on Monday, never met up with her again. Painful lesson to learn man. I had the opportunity, I was at her place and let it slip past. I can think of two things I messed up. First, she kept saying you can’t sleep over. I interpreted that to mean no sex but I think it meant we can hook up but you have to leave afterwards. Next time that happens I’ll say yeah, I won’t sleep over and then get on with it. Second thing, right before I kissed her she said,

I like total honesty, were you thinking about having sex tonight?”

Taken aback, I replied, “Yeah, I was.”

There are definitely times when sex is so obviously on the table that it’s no big deal. But in this context I think it would be better if I had said something more “gamey” like no, I really hadn’t thought about it or whatever.

So the big lesson here is go for it then and there. It seems sort of sexually aggressive but it’s necessary. It’s also a win-win for both of us. Obviously this doesn’t mean ignore real objections, but it does mean I shouldn’t have rolled over as easily as I did.

Thursday

Girl from Wednesday night, ending up meeting up Thursday and hanging out for five hours. Got some sushi, drank some wine, hit some bars but nothing happened. It turned out we had no real chemistry and I didn’t try anything. I’m OK with that though because I have the opposite of a friend-zone problem with girls, I hardly fucking ever have a platonic relationship with a girl. It’s literally happened one time in the fifteen months I’ve been in NYC.

Will I see this girl again? I think not, mostly because of the personality. There was lack of romantic interest and just lack of interest in general.

Friday

Really wasn’t feeling like going out so I went out. Met up with my wingman and we opened some sets. Went pretty well with one girl and learned a good lesson. We were in this crazy environment, getting buffeted around like popcorn. What I needed to do was get us anchored against the wall, her leaning into me. That would have been the move.

This girl had horrible eye contact which throws me off. Her sub-communication kept saying that she liked me but she wouldn’t look me in the eye. Maybe just nervous or intimidated? In the future I need to point out that I like good eye contact, bad eye contact is a turn off.

Got her number then we bounced around LES some more. Nothing too crazy happened. Five nights in a row of going out, it’s been really good. Had a couple of near misses but even though I didn’t get laid, it’s been cool to just spend so many hours interacting with women.

Another Missed Pull Opportunity

First girl I talked to I ended up staying with the whole night. I didn’t end up pulling. A guy friend showed up and her cousin, who she’s living with (and is a manager at my favorite club in NYC), took one look at me and made the guy friend promise to get the girl on the train and home safe. My question: is this all just more bullshit? If I had led harder could I have gotten around the logistics and pulled anyways? I have so many questions about last night, I would pay $50 to see how an advanced guy would have handled it.

She never texted back after this

On a positive note, I set up a date to get some wine. I think maybe that will happen. I also texted the girl from last night and we had a brief conversation but it didn’t go anywhere. My texting game only seems to work when the girl is so into me that it doesn’t matter what I say. In retrospect I should have pushed harder for sex. We were there, it was on, fuck it. I let beliefs about what is and is not possible limit me. The more I go out the more these beliefs dissolve, but I still have a long way to go.

Tonight I may have taken the not chasing idea too far. I think that about an hour deep with my girl I needed to kiss her. However, I always go for the kiss. So in a way I’m fine that I didn’t push for it because I’m trying new things. And maybe it works out that tomorrow we go for wine, go back to my place to “see if the wine is good” and then we hook up. Maybe that happens, maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know.

This mindset of assuming attraction and being the prize, it feels really good and so far the results are good. I still have about a billion questions but that’s nothing new. I’ll go out a lot, talk to a shit ton of girls and start figuring things out. One strong change that I can make is leading harder and getting the girl out of the club. No seeding the pull, no bullshit, just grab her hand, say adventure, let’s go! And get her out. Deal with objections as they come up.

Game Without Chasing, Trying or Expectations is Mind Blowing

I’m onto something really fucking awesome right now. The idea of game without chasing, trying, or any other bullshit. I’m obviously not the first person to get here, tons of guys have talked about it in their unique way and left clues about what it’s like and how to reach it. Logically I understood it but I never really knew it or lived it. That’s changing.

I’m really only in the beginning stages of this, but it’s working out something like this. I’m going up to the girl and I’m just being me, being cool and assuming that at some point the interaction will lead to sex. Even if there is zero visible indications, even if she’s throwing massive shit in my face, it doesn’t matter. Because of this strong belief I’m free to drop all of the pickup bullshit that I’ve been so obsessed with for the last year. I don’t have to physically molest her, or go for the makeout within 6 minutes, or lead at all times. Those things will naturally happen when the moment is right, but I don’t have to proactively force them so much. Same thing with my tonality and eye contact, I can trust that they’ll be on.

Here’s another fascinating side effect. There’s a lot of talk in the community about screening the girl and judging her personality (not just her looks). However, for most guys (me for a long, long time) is that you can’t really do it when you’re chasing the girl and expending effort to win her over. When you’re doing this it’s like your driving 100mph down the interstate and still trying to appreciate the landscape, it just doesn’t work. However, let’s flip this around. Now with the idea of “non-chasing” game, screening happens naturally. I might spend 40, 50, 60, 90, whatever minutes with this girl and there might be no makeouts, no blowjobs in the bathroom, no fingering her, etc. I’m just talking to her that entire time and so she damn well better be interesting. And if she’s not interesting I’m going to leave and find someone else. But this is no longer a pickup trick or tactic, it’s simply that I don’t want to spend 90 minutes talking to a girl who is totally boring. There are lots of chicks out there, I can find another one who is more intriguing.

Man, I’m really just starting to figure this stuff out. It’s so fucking exciting though! One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is that I’m super fucking excited to go out and practice this. Basically since I’ve started pickup (May 2016) I’ve had to force myself to go out most of the time. I always enjoy it once I get to the club, but come 10:30 I was usually shoving myself in the fucking ribs to get my ass out there. But coming from this new frame of no expectation, no chasing, just going up and being myself, it’s glorious!

Non Game and Walking Cute Girls Home

I hit up a different Tuesday spot than normal. My buddy was supposed to be promoting but he never showed up. I was solo which is rare. It took me a long time to work up the nerve to do my first approach. Did it and I was shut out in 4 seconds flat. I saw an exceptionally cute girl walking by and I started to follow her. She went to the bar, it was crowded, I didn’t try to open. Another 15 minutes of nothing, until I say to myself, fuck this man. If you don’t make something happen, what’s the point of even going out? I see that same cute girl again, approach her and we talk for 5 minutes. One thing that helped me a lot was a post I recently read about invisible attraction.

Invisible attraction = The hotter girls will give you very few, if any, signs that they’re into you. They might give you one word answers, act bored, not try to keep the conversation going, etc. However, it’s a front. On the inside they’re actually attracted but they won’t let you see that. So you have to power through and trust that she’s attracted.

That was this girl. She was giving me nothing, I kept pushing. We broke off and I danced for a minute. Then I saw her sitting down alone. I sat next to her. She insulted me for 2 minutes, I shrugged it off, then we started talking about food. Ten minutes later we left together to get pizza. Then I walked her home. Then I asked to use the bathroom and we went inside. We ended up kissing but nothing else. She had to wake up in six hours for a thesis meeting and she said no way I could stay over.

Now…… Did I blow everything by not pushing harder for sex? I hope not, this would be, hands down, the cutest girl I’ve hooked up with yet. My thinking at the moment was this, going all the way for sex at this moment is high risk, high reward. Maybe I can push past her objections and get laid. But only maybe. There’s also a good chance I can’t, and then I’ve blown the cool and I’ll probably never see her again. Instead of doing that I got her number and set up a date for this Friday. Typically when I push the interaction as far as conceivably possible, then set up a date for later, those dates tend to go very well. So I’ll text her today and see what happens. I’m fully open to the idea that I fucked up by not trying harder for sex. She let me into her house after all.

Notes

*I’ve been talking a lot about this idea of outcome independent game. A state of mind where I’m not chasing, I’m assuming it’s on. That was last night. I spent 90 minutes talking to this girl and I never tried anything, it was all very platonic. I just assumed it was on. Then we got back to her place and started kissing. If she didn’t have a thesis thing there’s a good chance we would have hooked up. It’s just being cool, being normal and assuming attraction. And I’m only in the nascent stages of understanding this, I’ve got years ahead of me to really master it. But I’m so psyched for that.

*The other great thing about this “non-chasing” game is that it’s so much more in line with my personality. I’m the same person when I’m in set with a girl as I am with anyone else. It’s a great alignment, as opposed to adopting a new persona when in set. This is not cool. The example I always think of is this PUA I went out with last winter. He was technically exceptionally skilled but also weird. His entire personality changed when he was with a girl versus chatting with me. He had all but mastered the art of “chasing” game but he had yet to progress past that point. I don’t want to be like that.

*Finding the best pickup information takes work. It means sorting through a lot of fucking bullshit and marketing half truths to find the gold. Even someone like Distant Light who I model myself on, you still have to filter his content.

What is Game when You Can Only Find 2 Sets

Only able to find a couple of sets last night. A common complaint of mine that NYC nightlife is disappointing. Stupid but we still had fun. Every time I go out I’m trying to drop expectations and have fun with the girl. No prerogative, instead I’m putting faith in the fact that we will hook up, even if I don’t chase. It’s weird because it’s so different from how I’ve spent my entire life with girls. I still don’t really understand it.

On a practical note, it would pay to start getting into some higher end venues. I know it’s possible, I’ve just been lazy about it and also it usually means going solo because my wingmen can’t get in. Regardless, it would be nice for maybe a Thursday or something.

Trying to be the Guy

Went out to a bar in the East Village with my friend. Had a few beers, talked to some girls and ended up with Monica. Really cute, super tall! We ended up making out and it was good. Tried valiantly for the pull but it wasn’t happening. In retrospect I would change my behavior. We were outside waiting for the Uber and it was fairly clear she wasn’t going to let me go home with her. I kept aggressively pushing for it, but I should have backed off and started planning a date. I would definitely go out with this girl again.

The whole time I was with her I was trying to not chase, I was trying to just “be” for lack of a better word. And it’s funny because you can’t get to this state by trying, it’s the opposite of trying. But I don’t know a better way to go about it. Continually remind myself that I’m the prize, that sex is guaranteed, that I shouldn’t chase. My results may actually go down as I figure this the fuck out, maybe. But long term it’s going to be massive.

The parallels between poker and pickup are massive. In both cases you can do everything right and lose, or do everything wrong and win. Both teach you that you must focus on the action, you cannot worry about the result.

Reflecting on Game in NYC

I’ve talked before about these brief glimpses of game at the next level. It’s these moments where I’m talking to the girl but I’m no longer chasing. I’m not trying to lead it towards sex. I’m just there, talking, being myself. The funniest thing is that when it happens it feels scary. It’s so different from the way I’ve spent 99.998% of my life interacting with girls. I first started noticing this last month but it seems to be happening a bit more now. All I can say is cool, I’m looking forward to the shift. It might take another year to fully get there and that’s OK. Once I do my options with women will blow up.

I’m really interested in talking to the most attractive women. I want to be consistently approaching them, reapproaching them, staying in set under pressure and in general doing whatever possible to speak with them as long as possible. In a way I think that going after hotter women may actually be easier. I’m more attracted and more willing to endure bullshit, fight through pressure, reapproach multiple times, etc. As opposed to another average girl who I might blow off as soon as things get tricky.

A theory, women respond well to good looking guys not just because of the physical looks, but because she associates good looking guys with game. That is, the two usually go together. She may give a good looking guy the benefit of the doubt, whereas a less unattractive guy has to do more to prove himself because she isn’t inclined to believe he’s got attractive qualities.

I’m still really interested in the idea of entitlement. Yesterday at work an exceptionally tall, skinny blonde girl sat down close to me. I’m about 84% sure she sat there because she wanted me to talk to her. We had exchanged glances earlier. I never talked to her. My thought process is something like, there’s no way it will happen. I’ve never slept with a girl I met in the day. I can’t make this happen. Contrast that to Ukraine, where we rolled up on stunning women all the time and it was easy and fun. Of course I would have opened her there, I felt entitled!

In Ukraine, as an American, you’re wealthy, you can afford to eat anywhere and do anything, you have great status. My game in Ukraine was the same, the only thing that changed was entitlement. However, that simple change allowed me to thoughtlessly roll up on great looking women all day. Whereas in NYC I feel like a small, broke fish and I don’t feel entitled. Interesting. However, I know this can be overcome. Distant Light was fucking 20, broke, living with his parents and he still made it happen with models all the time. It’s possible.

The Night

Ended up with three different wingman, we opened some chicks. It was fun. I’ve reached the point where I have a group of really fucking solid wingman who go out a lot, approach a lot and are effective with women. It’s great, especially compared to some of the bozos I went out with when I started. And they want to hang out with me, we all offer value to each other. Don’t try to attract the people you want in your life. Instead, become the type of person you want to attract and then they’ll come to you.

The Social Vice Grips in LES

The best part of last night was one particularly difficult set. I saw an unusually cute girl dancing. Guy or two, girl or two with her. Whatever, I go in and do my best conceivable approach. I can immediately feel the pressure of 4 people focusing on me. It’s epic. I say nonsensical things to this girl, I recognize that at this moment my actual words account for 2% of my success. 98% depends on how I comport myself. I own the pressure as best as I possible can until her friend blocks me off. Then she turns around and physically shoves me away. I refuse to leave, I’m not talking to the girl, I’m not bugging anyone, I’m just standing there. But I won’t move. The guy starts to get involved, I ignore him. The girl tries to get me to leave again, I won’t budge. The social pressure was epic. I got the largest rush that I’ve had in a while.

Moments like this are good because I can feel myself becoming less reactive. If I can withstand this kind of social pressure, the regular stuff is a breeze by comparison. Just like a guy who’s benching 300lb would think it’s a joke to do 135. Other than that crazy set, the usual. Met up with a cool new wingman, we worked our way through LES and opened a bunch of sets. A few things worth talking about.

Notes

*My first six sets or so I was mimicking attractive behavior. I was trying to consciously control all my mannerisms to conform to my general idea of what women find attractive. Cocky, funny, breaking report, silly, having fun, etc. But damn, those girls don’t fall for it for a second. I hardly had 2 minutes of talking time with six sets combined. Then I dropped the act. I walked up to a cute Asian girl and started asking her some regular questions. No cocky funny, no acting, no over-the-top bullshit. We talked for quite a while and at the end, when I asked for her number, she said she had a boyfriend but she thought I was awesome.

Man, this is a bit of a mind fuck for me. I’ve consciously or unconsciously associated this outgoing, player persona with getting laid. However, last night it wasn’t working and the fucking second, the very god damn second, that I dropped it was the moment I had a great interaction and the girl really liked me. Honest expression is not flashy but it’s better game. I’m not being the craziest guy in the room, but I’m communicating a lot of value by doing a good approach, having good eye contact, being 100% comfortable, engaging the friends, creating an interesting conversation, etc. That flashy bullshit stuff is sort of fun and it looks cool but the results are poor.

*Yesterday at work I saw an exceptionally beautiful girl. I was instantly pissed at her. God fucking dammit, how is life fair. She’s just born like that and here I am busting my fucking ass, putting in hundreds of hours of effort and still not even hooking up with a girl this cute. Fucking life. I was in a negative headspace yesterday and I knew it. When I’m in a regular or good headspace I don’t think like that. I realize that game is teaching me awesome lessons and I also usually feel fucking amazing when I go out. In fact there are nights where I pull, have sex and then think, damn. That orgasm didn’t feel as good as that 7 minute rampage I went on.

I’m striving to cultivate an amazing inner environment where I’m consistently in a good mood and I’m not seeking external validation. Once I have that environment I will not be chasing girls, they will be coming to me. It’s like my Dad’s plan. He has 100 acres of property and he likes to go deer hunting. Instead of going all over trying to find a single deer, he planted a bunch of apple trees and created an environment that attracts the deer. Now he has more than he and ten friends could ever want. No chasing, the deer come to them. That’s what I’m trying to do with girls. My headspace has to eventually reach the point where I’m no longer chasing, girls are the one fighting to be with me.

*Girls want you to be attractive, they want you to be cool, they want you to succeed and everyone to get laid. I talk to my sister a lot about guys and I see it from her perspective. She has certain standards and will shoot guys down, but she’s also very willing to accept dorky behavior, stupid mistakes, awkward bullshit, whatever. She’s not trying to destroy guys. Girls at the bar may test us to find out what we’re made of but deep down they want us to succeed.

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