Out in Black

Learning Game: Reports from the Field

Page 3 of 34

Halloween House Party

My wingman threw a Halloween party last night, I didn’t dress up. Felt self conscious for a while but got into it and had a blast. By the end we had approached every girl there. One of my other wingmen pulled his first set. He’s an animal and his vibe is amazing. I kissed 4 or 5 girls, which is a new record.

Girls respond better when it’s a social circle situation, versus cold approach

What surprised me is that there was little reciprocation. I only made out with one girl. The other ones I would kiss and they’d like it but never got into it. .

Overall the night was solid. I got to see the potential of having a big social circle and a cool apartment. I collected a few numbers and they hit me back. There is definitely a difference between cold approach and talking to a girl at a massive party when you know the guy who lives there.

Finally, I think I underestimated how shitty it would be to have no logistics. If I had a place to pull to I think I could have made something happen last night. I’ve got the game, I’ve got the experience, I don’t don’t have the convenient bed..

French Girls on a Wednesday

Two and a half hours went quick last night. Hit up a few different bars, talked to a few different women. Longest set was a couple of French girls sitting down. Mine turned out to be an all around impressive human being. She drove a motorcycle through rural Cambodia. That’s hardcore, I’d love to do this but I even have my reservations, it’s not a journey you do lightly. So I was impressed. She told me that she does some modelling and acting to. I could see that, she was 30 and rather beautiful, she must have been really something at 20.

This interaction went well because she contributed. I don’t really like to talk about frames and power in an interaction, it’s sort of creepy. But still, I fell into her frame and instead of dismissing me we kept talking. She was a nice human being. My buddy invited them both to his party this Saturday, we’ll see what happens.

Right now I’m in a really fucking weird place with pickup. I’m having the most fun I’ve ever had. That horrible underlying current of anxiety is 99.3% gone and I’m enjoying every night. I’m even looking forward to getting to the club. Getting stressed out all day long about going out later used to be the worst part of pickup, thank god that’s over with. So things are good but I also feel like I’m fucking completely fucking lost. I’m getting into these long interactions every night and I’m not taking them anyplace. I’m questioning why they’re even taking place if I’m not making anything happen.

Part of the problem is that I have zero logistics, unless a girl is uncontrollably obsessed with me, she’s not going for a 70 minute train ride. So when I go into that interaction I don’t have that clear goal of what I’m trying to do, I.e. get her back to my bedroom. Obviously I can pull to hers but I feel like this gives me less power. It’s harder for me to push hard to go to her place, it doesn’t feel as natural as magnetizing her to mine. It is possible though..

Another problem, I’m not taking risks the way I need to be. I’m going out with a group of cool guys which is fantastic, but it’s caused me to put some limits on what I do. I’d rather play it safe and give the appearance of being competent than take a risk, lead her, go for the pull, and fuck it up. This is especially prevalent in my thinking because my wingman is usually in set with me and if I fuck it up I end it for him to. However… I’m not going to get better if I keep doing the same shit over and over! I must condition myself to take that risk and not worry about looking stupid in front of my wingmen.

Final issue, I’m waiting for perfection before I go for the pull. I’m falling into the trap of thinking that I need to have unbelievable attraction before I can lead her home. Well no, I don’t really. I’ve pulled plenty of times when things were good, not great, and I have to remember that.

Inner Dialogue

The guys I go out with are awesome at maintaining their frames and speaking with confidence throughout an interaction. I’m good initially but I often feel like I lose steam around 10 to 15 minutes. I start to doubt my words and the whole thing goes down hill. Not always, but enough that it’s an obvious sticking point.

In addressing this problem I came to a realization last night. When I hit that wall, say at 10 minutes, I start looking for reasons that she’s no longer interested and I also start questioning myself. My inner dialogue is that was kind of lame, what you said. Do you really believe that? No! Fuck that shit. As soon as I catch myself slipping into that mental loop I can stop it and just remind myself that I’m awesome. Remind myself that girls love, this girl loves me and she wants me to talk to her. Tune my RAS into all the reasons she wants me there. I believe that with conscious effort I can overcome this.

Tl;Dr

Can’t worry about what wingmen think, must be OK with taking the risk and potentially fucking up. Must not succumb to negative bullshit in set.

The Entourage Hits up East Village

It was the entire entourage plus a new guy, so five of us in total. We started at a new bar which was good, we found a few sets. Walked to another bar, shit. So we went to 13 Step. Within 10 minutes we had canvased the place, there wasn’t a girl who didn’t get hit on. I opened multiple sets, gave high fives, had a blast. It’s easy to have fun when your entire social circle is in one place.

Two guys left, leaving me and two others. We decided to check out a speakeasy. It was really fucking cool, no doubt. They give you a table, you have a waitress, but it’s not for us. We immediately leave and call it a night. It was a blast overall. Talking to all the guys, hitting on everything, I opened some models on the street who flat out ignored my existence. A good night.

The Game Aspect

A year ago me and my wingman used to joke around. When a girl insta-rejected one of us, we’d say that she didn’t know what she’s missing or she just can’t tell how cool we are. It was funny but it was a mask and we both knew it. We didn’t really feel like cool guys, we expected to get rejected. When a set went well and hooked, it was an interesting exception. Now, today, tonight, this moment, the opposite is true. I walk up and fully expect that girl to like me and engage in a conversation. 94% of the time that’s what happens, it’s weird to get an insta-rejection.

It’s great to operate on this new paradigm but it opens up all sorts of new problems. I can open almost anything and have a conversation but I’m not making shit happen, I don’t have a strong belief that we will sleep together. And logically can you blame me? I haven’t pulled in a month or two. I’ve come really fucking close, there have been a couple of times I would have pulled if a 50/50 scenario went my way, but it hasn’t happened. That means that in the last 60 days I’ve talked to maybe 300 women and haven’t had sex once. It makes perfect sense that my brain doesn’t believe that I will get laid with this girl. As much as I strive to put my mind in the right place, it just isn’t happening like I’d like it to.

So that’s where I’m at. This sort of purgatory, where I can open, have solid conversations but they lead nowhere. And it’s getting old. At least when a girl rejects you right off the bat you can move on. With these conversations I get to know a girl, invest in her and she invests in me. We build something and then nothing happens. Over and over and over. The last month is the most fun I’ve ever had in game, in terms of satisfaction and ease of interacting with women, but the lack of results is disappointing.

What is the pain trying to teach me? There’s always a lesson there and I think that in this case it’s this: I have to be leading more. I’m not trying to make sex happen. Even though I’m getting over my problem of going for the makeout, which is gratifying in the moment, that doesn’t really get us closer to the pull. Once in a while you get that girl who is so fucking down that you just say let’s get out of here and it’s lights out. But I feel that I’m losing dozens of possible sets because I’m not hooking up with those girls where it’s seemingly less down but if I led I could make shit happen.

If I was to give myself a challenge, it would be the following: for every single set that I’m in for more than three minutes, I must try leading. It doesn’t matter where, it doesn’t matter if I think it’s a good idea. I just have to try and do it. If she says no, I have to try again in two minutes. Then another two minutes. I’m willing to burn shit down because I’ve had so many 20 minute conversations that I don’t need another! I’d rather find out if lack of leading is my problem. Anyways, let’s look at a few of the girls.

Sets

Started off right with a couple of cute girls from the midwest. I love to walk up to girls and assume that they’re not from New York. 90% of the time you’ll be right, nobody is really from here. I talked to both for a few minutes then my buddy came in and took the cuter one. Mine was awfully cool too though and we vibed well. But after ten minutes things slipped. I stopped offering that cool vibe, I got stuck in my head a bit, started thinking about how to offer value and she stopped reacting so well. Frustrating!

It’s no fun to have that awesome conversation for ten minutes or so then feel it slip. If I could redo this I would make myself more comfortable, take a seat next to her. I would also seed the idea of going to another bar so that the set has direction. I’d also recognize that I need to contribute more to the conversation. I’m really good at asking questions and getting her to open up but there are times I have to talk about myself, or at least tell a story, so that we are both invested in each other.

I look back on college and smack myself from about 6 different girls I could have slept with if I just knew what the fuck I was doing. In two years I’ll look back on this set and smack myself for not pulling.

Opened another girl at the first bar and it was going well. She gave me some shit initially but in the end started responding well. I liked her but we left before it could go anywhere. Although to be honest, I don’t know where it would have gone. I was just goofing around, I wasn’t setting up anything for us to do together.

There were plenty of other sets, nothing interesting.

Going Forward

I must ask myself, what am I most scared to do? Then do that. In this way I find fear very useful. Opening is easy, even big sets and mixed sets. Staying in conversation for a while is no problem. The fear arises when it comes to leading hard and moving the girl. I have this fantastic reference point of the night I was drunk in Meatpacking, met this girl and talked for a few minutes. Then I dragged her out of the bar and almost got into a taxi with her. I wasn’t worried about attraction, investment, or any of these other stupid fucking concepts that I talk about. I was on the level of she’s a girl, I want to get laid, pull her out of the bar to get laid. So I did.

And I obviously pulled too soon and she freaked out, but it was so beautiful how I just led hard and she followed. I have to bring that level of leading into my game now if I want to actually get somewhere.

Self-Referencing State, the Root of Attraction

The following is predicated upon,

attraction = a display of high status behaviors. From the obvious eye contact and posture to the subtle abundance and non-reactivity.

A common problem for new guys is running out of things to say. Your mouth freezes and you can’t open it with a crowbar. There are ways around this. You free associate, tell stories or talk about retarded shit. In time your brain eases up on the judgement and you start holding normal conversations.

Now that you can talk, you might begin to worry about the value you’re offering. Was it the right moment for that, should I be staying silent and waiting for her to speak up, I shouldn’t have interrupted her just then, etc. In seeking to offer value you may do things with a proven track record. You know that certain words / phrases tend to get positive reactions and you say these things and hope she laughs or asks a question. This is unfortunate because you are now dependent on her reaction. If she laughs you feel good. If she doesn’t, you feel a little gap there, a sense of lack. This is not good! The thing we’re aiming for is self-referencing state.

Self-referencing state happens when your emotional well-being is generated solely by your own actions and words. You are free from her outcome, you need nothing. You say I love your shirt and it doesn’t matter whether she laughs, cries or tries to kiss you, you’re good. You crack a joke, she doesn’t get it, stares at you like you’re weird. That’s cool, you weren’t depending on any kind of reaction. You just keep feeling good, recognizing that everyone has a unique sense of humor. You have an implicit faith in yourself, you’re just the high status guy that she’s been waiting for. It’s your lack of trying to prove that which demonstrates it perfectly.

Anyways, it’s only in the last week or two that I’ve started to understand this in any kind of meaningful way. So I’ve got a long, long ways to go. In refining my thinking, however, I do have a place to start. Those split-second moments, in every interaction, when I try and make interaction go better, fill in the silence, whatever. Instead of doing this, I can listen to that coolness voice, break an old pattern and focus on keeping myself happy instead of her. Moving forward depends on this.

The Group Hits on Girls in Manhattan

We had the full entourage last night, me and my three main wingmen. Fantastic guys, I’m lucky to be going out with them. We’re all in the same ballpark for skill level and that’s brilliant. The guy who does the best is typically the one who approaches the most and stays out the longest. Last night that was one of the guys and he pulled a super cute girl back to his place around 3. Conflicting emotions, I’m psyched for him but also it makes me want to fucking crush it and put in even more work to get my own pull rate up.

Not that we slacked last night. We were all out for 3+ hours and together we probably approached 50 to 100 girls. A few thoughts on this.

Jade

She was the first set of the night, we talked for ten minutes. The conversation was going great until she asked me where I live. I said Coney Island and then I started to talk about it.

It’s really far away. It’s not that great and I don’t like it that much.”

I noticed an immediate drop in the interest level. When I talk down about my life I decrease my state. The world will shit on me enough, I don’t need to do it to myself. Even though I objectively don’t really like where I’m living, when I’m out hitting on girls I can’t feed into that reality. I need to pump up my own state and brag about my life, no matter how I really feel about it. The reason I’m staying there is to save a bunch of $$$ to go live in Bali for three months this winter, why not hype that up?

I left Jade a few minutes later. Then we went off and did our thing. Later, returning to the first bar, I saw her again. Immediately reopened and I could see it was on. I kissed her within two minutes. She asked what we had been doing for two hours. I replied,

We were at club XYZ. I don’t want to sound intolerant or anything, but we left after it got super gay.”

100% truth, it turned into a gay party the likes of which Manhattan has never seen. But I did sound like a douche and I blew it. She stopped making eye contact, turned her body away from mine and began to give cursory answers. It was done, I fucked up the set twice with the same girl by my stupid words! We had jokes about this after. But seriously, good lessons. Always talk yourself up and put at least marginal limits on how you speak about sensitive topics.

The Ditz

For 20 minutes I talked to this girl and I couldn’t figure out why the interaction wasn’t going better. Then I realized, this girl is as dumb as a box of rocks! This struck me because I was able to judge the situation objectively and see that I wasn’t being lame, she was simply not someone with whom you have an intelligent conversation. I asked her if she smoked weed.

Yeah, I like it.” 

I ask her if she can be productive when she’s high.

Haha nooo.. I just get really stoned and lie on my bed for ten minutes then pass out!”

Kissing Girls

I did a grade A job of going for the kiss last night. I made it happen with Jade, I had two other girls turn away when I tried multiple times and then I got in closer with some other girls but didn’t quite go for it. Really good shit man, I’m learning how to do this effectively.

Two Cute Girls

I saw two cute girls dressed in black and dove into that set without hesitation. They were both uber cute and liked me. They were just going downstairs though but as she was walking past the one girl invited me to follow along and keep talking. I elected not to, however, just getting to that point where girls want you to stay, that’s big. I remember approximately 1,489 girls that didn’t want me to stick around.

Room for Improvement

My approach ethic was sick, going for the kiss was awesome, me and all the other guys put in the work yesterday. However, again we see the issue of outergame. I’m having rock solid conversations but they’re not leading anywhere. I need to be planting seeds, asking about logistics, creating plans and so forth. Living 90 minutes from the club I can’t pull to my place but I can screen for pulling to hers or the bathroom if it’s really on. Every single set, screen for logistics, seed the pull. Hammer that shit out like clockwork so that I’m creating opportunities. I don’t want to jinx this but I don’t think I’ve had a bad night in three or four weeks, my issue is not attraction or hooking a set. It’s making shit motherfucking happen.

The Crew

When you look at the three guys I roll out with I’m the exception, in that I’ve put the most work into using cold approach pickup to develop my skills with girls and my ability to be social. The other three guys have all done cold approach but from what I gather they all started at a much higher level then me. But it doesn’t matter where you come from, it matters where you are. And cold approach fucking works man. If you’re willing to put in the work you can develop a new personality and get the chance to hang out with super fucking cool guys.

Going in Sideways and Coming out Ahead

Amazing dub-electro-sexytime field report reading music. In some sense, last night was the best I’ve ever done. I felt a freedom in expression that I’ve never experienced before. I handled difficult situations well and every set hooked. It was really a hell of a thing and relates to this concept: good, great and world class. To reach world class takes massive commitment and practice. In my lifetime I’m aiming for it in just two areas, pickup and writing. I aim to be great at BJJ (which I haven’t started yet) and German. I’ll probably be good at lots of things, those are not as important. The world class aspect is what matters. Nobody cares about the guy who is average, he might as well sell hotdogs in Chinatown.

In the last several weeks I’ve been consistently good at generating attraction and holding a solid conversation. However…. My game lacks structure. I’ll have gold conversations but because I don’t check for logistics, seed the pull or set up a date, nothing ends up happening. My outergame, the nuts and bolts, is now my weakest link. I have consistent opportunities with women but fail to make shit happen. I must seek out information on how to fix this.

This is especially important given that I would have liked to have pulled last night. Every girl I talked to for more than six and a half minutes I would have slept with. I was never put into a situation, like last night, where I couldn’t make up my mind. One girl was especially attractive and I just barely, barely kept my shit together. I was able to stay out of my head and keep it all going nicely. This shows progress, traditionally a girl this cute would have cut me down.

Another set stands out, first of the night, Biergarten. Two women are sitting down, I open and I’m not expecting it to last. Based on how it opens, the physical location of the girls, it being the first set, me finding her attractive, I expect everything to blow up. But it doesn’t, we talk for nearly half an hour. I go for the kiss multiple times, I take her number, it was solid. And this in itself shows massive progress. Even just a month or two ago, this set would have crumbled. I can’t take all the credit though, I have to give a shout-out to my awesome wingmen. He’s capable with women and that made the difference. If his girl lost interest she would have taken mine away.

Goodnumber Hunting

I picked up three numbers last night. The first came from the first set of the night that I just mentioned. After those girls left we went back and started flirting with their remaining friends. This went well and I suggested that I see my girl home. She was not having this so I took her number. I didn’t even have time to save it before I was in set with the really beautiful girl. When she left I got her number, erasing the other girl’s number in the process. My wingman chided me for this and he’s right to do so. But the reality is that I’ll never see any of them again. A set has to be so fucking solid for a number to not flake. Cold approach is difficult! Take the first set of the night, it was grade A. If that lady was my coworker or in my college dorm, she’d be begging me for my number. But that’s not the case, it’s cold approach and this changes the dynamic. Even though I got her number and texted her, no reply.

It’s all good though. Last night there were so many situations that went amazing, that normally wouldn’t have, that it’s impossible to ignore the growth.

Changes

Logistics are stacked against you on a Wednesday night. Every girl I talked to had to work in the morning. So that’s a big buzzkill. However, in general I have to consciously make that effort to think ahead and a plan. What are the logistics, is she ready to be pulled, what about the friend? And so forth. I’m getting caught up in the moment, which is good because I’m not stuck in my head,  but without a plan I just end up losing them. I must correct this.

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

Whatever I’m doing right now it’s working. Last night was the third session in a row where I had a viable opportunity to pull. Last Wednesday I pulled the Swedish chick to the bathroom but we didn’t fuck. Last Friday it’s likely I would have pulled the super cute mother if we could have just found a guy to keep the daughter busy. Last night I had a decent chance to pull the first girl I opened. The conversation was awesome but she wasn’t that cute. This created some indecision in me. I’m thinking, I’ve slept with a dozen girls cuter than her, I’m really not that interested. On the other hand, the reference experience, and the practice. I should be going for it. 

At the end I decided to go for it but I weak-sauced it. I didn’t know the logistics, didn’t know that she wanted to keep partying and I didn’t want to spend another 2 hours with her. So we kissed goodbye and that was that. The lesson is one in mental discipline. I need to decide early on whether I’m going to pull or not, then act accordingly. If I’m not going to pull, fine. But leave the set and look for another girl. If I am going to pull, fine. But give it 100% attention, figure out the logistics and lead like a boss.

Also, a minor note. The set with her lasted about 30 minutes and the whole time we were sitting across from each other at a small table. I knew she wanted to makeout but I was pondering how to make it happen. Leaning across the table would have been weird and I probably would have spilled her beer. Standing up and walking over would have been maybe OK but just not as smooth as I’d like. The solution was simple though! Stand up, grab her hand and get her up by saying let me see how tall you are! She stands up, I spin her, eye contact, makeout. Easy, I’ve done it a dozen times I just didn’t connect the dots last night.

Keep Going

Girl leaves, it’s 12:06, I have a choice. Keep going or go home. I think about my long term goals, about the models I’m going to date and the amazing women waiting for me. OK, I take the 15 minute walk to the bar my buddy is promoting at. Inside I quickly open the cutest girl there. I’m surprised by how well it goes. She’s interested, asking questions, getting close. In retrospect I needed to go for the kiss. I didn’t do it because I was caught off guard, my thinking, damn, this girl is super fucking cute and super into me! What’s going on here? I don’t know what exactly it is but I have to adjust and accept it. I’m getting more opportunities with more attractive women and I’ve got to be pulling the trigger.

After just five minutes of talking girl is leaving so I walk her and her friend outside. We chat for a few minutes then she takes a taxi home. Apart from not kissing her, my other mistake was giving her friend too much attention. I have a tendency to reduce the sexual tension with my girl by giving more attention to the friend. It’s not smart, it doesn’t help the pull, it’s weak-sauce. Should have maintained better eye contact, gotten closer, pushed harder for a kiss with sexy girl.

Go back downstairs, open two girls who bump into me. Immediately one is all over me. She’s flirting, laughing at my jokes and touching me. She gets so close that our lips are almost touching. Even though she’s attractive, I don’t kiss her for some existential reasons. She’s dancing with her girlfriend, as in girl she’s dating. In 4 seconds I suss out this situation. The girl who is into me is bi but she’s not really gay in any serious way. She’ll have this fling, move on and it will be a warm memory that she never tells her husband about. Her girlfriend is definitely gay, this is her lifestyle. Just by looking at her I immediately guess that men have caused her serious pain, she loves this girl and is acutely aware that she won’t be able to hold onto her forever. I could relate. It reminded me of college, when I would bring a girl around my natural buddy. 30 seconds later my girl can’t take her eyes off him and I’m just hoping I’ll be able to get her back at some point. All these things are running through my head, I decide to not kiss the girl, I stop speaking to her and they drift back into the fray.

I know that was a strange tangent but it’s an interesting topic for me. A large part of game is being able to put yourself into a girl’s head. Doing this tells you when to go for the makeout, go for the pull, back off, push harder, ask for the number, leave, don’t leave, whatever. I’ve developed this ability in the last year and it’s what allowed me to empathize with the girl above and decide to act accordingly. Game man, it’s a mind trip.

No more sets at the bar, I leave. Open at a cute girl on the subway platform, we talk for twenty minutes. By the end I just want her to leave. It’s interesting that logically we have an absurdly high number of things in common and should click, but emotionally it’s not happening. I question whether it comes down to me being in my head and reacting to her hot body, or if there’s just never going to be an emotional connection between us. Who knows, who cares, she gets off the train and 17 seconds later I’ve got some Jocko podcast going.

Game

There’s this cliche about sweeping girls off their feet and that being the ideal. Well, in a way it’s true. The good interactions are the ones where I go into that set and bring good energy. I don’t depend on her for good emotions. It’s like I’m surfing a wave and it carries me into the set. This can be very subtle and it can even be happening while I’m just standing there, not talking, seemingly not doing anything. I’m just bring my vibe, my energy and those are the times that things go the best.

In general, I depend on finding girls who like to talk. My game is getting her to open up and share her life with me. I want her investing in me and sharing things with me that she would normally never tell someone she just met. This isn’t manipulation, it’s just me optimizing my own circumstances. Sure, I can talk for 20 minutes straight about a pebble if I have to, but that’s not ideal. For me, a good interaction will be the girl talking 70% and me talking 30%. Obviously this works both ways too, she likes to talk more, I like to talk less, we click!

Anyways, I’m just working through some ideas. I never imagined that game would be so nuanced. Now that I’m wading into the deep end I’m continually surprised by what I’m finding.

7 Things that I’m Fucking Up in Game

I’m listening to Ray Dalio’s book and one line stuck out. He said something along the lines of,

The people who improve the fastest are the ones who are self-aware and reflect carefully on their mistakes.

So in the spirit of following a billionaires advice, I think it’d be cool to reflect on what I’m currently fucking up.

  1. I’m not saying in set long enough, especially with the cuter women. I bail early because they give me so few signs and I assume they’re not attracted. This is not the case, they are attracted it’s just that they’re conditioned to hide it. They want guys to plow without any encouragement. In order to get these high quality girls it’s crucial that I persist, persist, persist.
  2. I can’t interpret eye rolling or dismissive comments as a total rejection, not the truth! Girls live in the moment. One second she may call me the devil’s toilet paper on quesadilla night, the next second she might love me. I have to keep an even keel and assume attraction.
  3. I tend to leave the club too early. Often this is because I run out of sets which is understandable. However, we must go back to rule one. I need to push every single set to the breaking point.
  4. I’m just not that type of girl, I don’t sleep with guys I don’t know well..

    This one is big, it’s been tripping me up a lot. Girls saying things like I used to be that kind of girl but now I’m better. Or, If you had met me three months ago we would have slept together, but not now. I’m a better person. Experience has taught me that this is all bullshit and it’s the final shit test before getting laid. To win these I have ignore the words and use charm to diffuse the situation .It’s funny how wording works. When a girl says something like there’s no way we’re sleeping together tonight, I blow past that with ease. But when she says I’m not that type of girl anymore, it trips me up. I obviously have some things to figure out.

  5. I’m not seeding the pull and pushing hard for us to leave together. I’m letting things drift, waiting for the girl to lead, waiting for the perfect moment, etc. And I’m not pulling because of it. I have to push harder for the pull. Be the man, deal with objections, lead and make shit happens.
  6. I need to be getting numbers from girls that I meet for five or ten minutes. Not for dates but to meet up with them again an hour later in the night. Their buying temperature will be higher, they’ll be ready for the pull, it will be on. But I have to grab that number and make a plan to meet up for a drink.
  7. I need to be trying for the kiss multiple times, realizing that sometimes it may take as many as half a dozen times before I get it. If it still doesn’t happen after that, it’s time to move on.

The Mother and Daughter Dynamic

I learned so many valuable lessons last night. The kind of stuff that they don’t teach you in pickup school. It started with meeting up with a new wingman. We hit up my favorite club early, got right in as usual. Upstairs I opened a few sets until I found two cute girls that were interested in what I was selling. The one I was talking to was half Japanese, half something, 100% beautiful. We hit it off well, I was being my normal amazing self even though I found her very cute. However, five or ten minutes deep something went down that I’m not so cool with. Before I knew what was happening my wingman switched girls, started talking to mine and left me with the friend who, while cute, was not fun. My pickup manifesto states that the guy who opens the set gets to choose the girl. If the guy who comes in second doesn’t like the girl he’s with he can suck it up or leave, but not take my girl.

That being said, I accept responsibility for all things in my life. So this incident shows that I need to learn how to address this situation. If my wingman, or any other guy, opens my girl and draws her away, I need to find a way to get her attention back on me without being a dick. My brain is already thinking of ways to achieve this, it shouldn’t be that hard in general.

The Family Set

After that I ended up opening a tall blonde woman. Skinny, bubbly, taller than me. She was 40, looked like she was 30 and I found her gorgeous. We hit it off really well and I spent an hour or two with her. We danced some, made out, flirted and talked about life. It was a unique situation because this woman was with her daughter who, like her mom, was beautiful! This led to an expansion of my awareness of female dynamics. Here’s why.

I was obviously with the mom, she was the lady for me. The daughter was jealous, she wanted attention too. Now she’s a really good looking girl, plenty of guys would take a bath in guppy guts and swim through a shark tank to date someone as cute as her. And yet during the hour and a half I spent with the mom and daughter, hardly any guys talked to her. She had a few drunk splooge sockets grab her ass and one Israeli guy talked to her for a bit, but that was it. And it was fascinating to see this because as guys, I think we have the propensity to think that,

Girls (hot girls) have it so easy, they can get laid as much as they want.

Sometimes, yes. But certainly not all the time. This beautiful 21 year old girl was desperate for some attention from a guy, she would have settled for just a plain dude who was cool and not drunk.

(big lesson here, thinking that you have to be the master fucking pimp of the universe to end up with the cute girl. Not true! If you could walk up to this girl, have a normal conversation, lead a little bit and go for the kiss she would have been yours)

Talking to the mom she elaborated on her daughter’s problems with men and how she can’t seem to find high quality guys. Seeing all this and talking about it in depth was a real perspective shift for me.

Pushing Past the Wall

The mom also taught me another valuable lesson. She said that her daughter puts up a bitchy front when guys approach her, even though in general she’s actually a nice person. This is a key point. The bitchy act is just a front, it’s a wall to screen out guys who don’t make the cut. To get with a woman like this you have to push past that wall, have faith in yourself, keep plowing and understand that at some point the wall will crack and you’ll get to experience the real girl.

Another key point! I mentioned those two girls we opened in the beginning, where my wingman took my cute girl. We ended up leaving that set after about fifteen minutes even though it was going good. I think we left because of a lack of innate belief that it’s going somewhere. It can be harder with more attractive women because they give you so little! So the feeling I often get is that I’m wasting my time because nothing will happen. But this is not a mindset that is going to get me laid with more attractive women. I have to change my thinking to this: hot women will give you less signs, you just have to persist, be the cool guy and assume that as long as she’s still talking to you, she’s attracted.

This is so key and important to enforce. It’s also important for me to personally stand by because many of my wingman want to leave sets too early. They don’t see any signs of attraction and they want to bounce. I get that but we have to stay in there and see it through to the end! This is of paramount importance.

Finally, I’ll say this. Being in a set with the mother and daughter was surprisingly not weird. They were totally comfortable being out and drinking together, the mom was a wonderful person, very pretty and we were having a blast together. At some point the daughter started to warm up to me, she was touching me, standing close, giving me signs. Now past experience has shown me that if you go into set, start with one girl then switch to the other, you’ll lose both. So I was very careful to decline invitations from the daughter and talk to the mom. However…… If these were friends, not family members, this would have been an ideal threesome situation. Both girls were highly emotional, I was in the fucking zone, all the pieces of the puzzle were there. Except for the incest problem haha.

So that was my awesome night out. I got the mother’s phone number, I planned an entire date with her and confirmed it multiple times. She hasn’t texted back yet. I think that she’s blowing me off because I’m so much younger than her, even though we had an awesome bond. It hurts that she hasn’t replied but that’s game man. I’ll just keep pushing the envelope, growing myself and make shit happen. I’m 100% confident that I can reach an extremely high level of game at this point. The worst part is over, I’ve spent the last fucking year getting rid of AA and I’m so thankful for that. It would take about $150,000 and an E350 with all the options to get me to start from the beginning again.

Drinking Stoli with the Swedes and Hotel Lobby Bathrooms

Crazy times. Pregame beers at my WeWork then we took an Uber to the club. Got ushered in and met up with another wingman. Said a few words and then I opened some women standing around. Turns out they were Swedish, the one I was talking to was OK. Better than most 40 year old women, I’ll bet she was really something when she was young. We were on the dance floor, too loud to talk so I lead her to the couches. Big surprise, my promoter friend has a table and they’re cracking open some Stoli. Not one to beat around the bush, I pour myself a glass and start making out with this Swedish woman.

This goes on for a while, I lead her all around the club, I’ve lost my wingmen forever ago. Finally it’s time to leave, it’s 3am or something, I’m pretty drunk and I find out this lady is staying in a hotel a few blocks away. Take her downstairs, find a taxi. She says,

Thanks so much for getting the taxi, really nice to meet you!”

Yeah, no. I get in with her and we give directions to the driver. She says,

“OK, so it’s great you’re bringing me back but you can’t come in! My roommates are there.”

Yeah, no. I tell her I have to use the bathroom. We get to the hotel, ask for the lobby bathroom, pull her in and lock the door. She sits on the sink, we’re making out but the buzzkill is that I really have to pee. Really, really fucking bad. So I do it, come back and we start making out but she isn’t going to have sex. I think maybe she was married and was borderline this whole time. When I was peeing that gave her logical brain enough time to kick in and stop it. Or whatever, but not sex. I would have whipped my dick out but it wasn’t hard. So fuck it, still had a blast. Reminds me of this time when I had sex in the hotel bathroom and this other time when I didn’t have sex in a club bathroom. The woman was all about it but I’m pretty sure she was married and wasn’t ready to break that whole till death do us part crap.

Thoughts on the Game

Everything I did last night was on fucking point. Moved her at the right time, said the right things, kissed her at the right time, had the balls to overcome resistance and got her to the bathroom. It was all fucking rock solid. I was drinking though, have to take that into account. Here’s my thought on drinking.

Half the time it makes my game horrible because I’m sloppy and annoying and a total jackass. The other half of the time it gives me about a six month boost in skills. That is, with a few drinks I feel like I’m as good as I will be in six months, after I’ve done countless sets and had countless experiences. Like Tyler always says, go out a lot and in six months you’re average set will be the best set you can do today. So I feel that it gives me that boost. But fuck it, it’s not a regular thing. I do it sometimes and I don’t do it other times. All in all, game is a fucking blast and unexpectedly having a promoter and a bottle of Stoli show up at your favorite club is always cool.

Applying the 80/20 Rule to Game

In my experience, the most difficult, high pressure and intense sets bring 80% of results. Those sets where it’s a gorgeous girl with two friends and two guys. It’s three girls, you’re talking to the one in the middle and the two friends are suggesting you go back into the steaming pile of shit from whence you’ve risen (happened last week). It’s everyone staring at you and you’re focused on the girl and trying to keep your cool.

While I claim that these sets produce 80% of the results, I don’t mean that you pull the high-pressure-girl. Instead, surviving these sets reduces your social inhibitions, frees you from fears and destifles you. Most likely you can be cool and chill around a cave troll who you don’t care about. So it’s not that you don’t know how to express yourself well, it’s that you get nervous around more attractive women and demanding social situations. Doing tough sets decreases your anxiety and let’s you express yourself more fully.

Beginnings and Beyond

If you’re like me, when you start most sets are tough. It takes lots of willpower to approach. Then do it again, again, again, again, again, etc. As you go out more things change. What was once difficult is now easy. That’s when you have to start seeking out the most difficult sets. I’m not just preaching this, I practice it. Whenever possible I approach the cutest girl, regardless of who is around her. I make a conscious effort to open girls in large groups. I deliberately force myself to stay in extremely awkward situations in order to become comfortable with social pressure.

I do these things because I notice that they’re a turbo-boost on progress. These sets don’t happen every night, sometimes I just have a regular night with nothing exceptional. But when shit gets weird, there is intense pressure, I feel uncomfortable and awkward, that’s when I know I’m in a growth zone.

Redefining How I Think About Game

I write a similar post every month. The reason I keep writing it is that I’m getting new experience at the club and I’m refining my thinking. I’m reaching new levels of understanding when it comes to running the ideal reaction. The traditional idea of pickup is the guy, you, chasing the girl. You’re trying to win her over and get her to come home with you. This obviously works and it can work well. However, there’s a higher level. It goes something like this.

At the club I put my personality out there and act in accordance with my own ideal. When I approach a girl I’m not trying to calibrate to her. I’m not actively doing anything in order to sleep with her. Instead, I’m expressing myself naturally. Maybe she will like me and become attracted. Maybe we’ll sleep with each other. That’s cool. Maybe she won’t like me, maybe she’ll want me to go away. That’s also cool. In both situations my behavior is not changing. I’m just there, bringing good vibes and having fun. If the girl wants to join my party that’s awesome! But I’m not going to chase her or compromise myself to be with her.

A word of caution though. It’s possible to take this too far and forget about the ultimate goal of closing the girl. It’s easy to get involved in the moment and forget to lead or to seed the pull or check for logistics. So I might have an awesome 45 minute interaction then she has to leave or her friend pulls her away and I just lost all that effort because I didn’t set up the pull. As a guy it’s my job to lead and make the logistical situation happen.

Unfortunately..

At this point I can’t seem to live up to this ideal with the more attractive women. I can’t bring that fun, party vibe of pure expression. 95% of what I do around them is trying. It gets weird too. I know I’m trying so I’ll try to not try, which is a form of trying. For example, pickup doctrine states that you shouldn’t try to impress a woman with your words. So I’ll go up and talk about my favorite color or beer or whatever the fuck it is, but I’m still trying to not try. It doesn’t feel good and I know it. I can’t try myself into a natural, fun mindset around cute girls. It seems that it’s something that will only happen with time and more experience.

However..

I’m really not giving pickup my all right now. I’m not pushing it as hard as I was six months ago. This speaks to a focus on other things and also my innate personality. I’m a binary guy, zero or one. I don’t do well in the grey area. I’d rather be going out five or six nights a week and pushing it hard, or not going out at all and totally focusing on business, health, reading and German. That being said I’m going to keep going out three nights a week because I have to have some social interactions in my life. However, I recognize that it’s not ideal for me.

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