The following are three areas of game that don’t get mentioned a lot. They’re not core concepts (except for having fun) but they can improve your results when you implement correctly. I’ve been thinking a lot about these and while I haven’t mastered any of them, I have been working with them and I have some thoughts.
1. Self Deprecation
Self deprecation is the opposite of bragging. It’s deliberately downplaying your accomplishments and or personality. For example, a girl last night though it was hilarious when I said “I drive a garbage truck for a living and I’m going to live with my mom till I’m 50.” She laughed and said “The world needs lots of garbage men!” That’s opposed to last Thursday when I bragged about all the cities I’ve visited. London, Moscow, Copenhagen, etc. She looked at me and said “I don’t give a shit about that.” That’s exactly why self deprecation can work to build attraction and make you stand out from the douche at the bar who is flashing his Rollex. However, I have one major thought on it that I’ve learned the hard way.
You have to self deprecate in an area where you think you’re the shit and that you’re very confident in. So let’s say you’re very nervous talking to a girl. You’re stammering and not holding eye contact. If you say to her “I’m really shy and I’ve only gone to a club 3 times in my life.” That’s not self deprecation, it’s the truth. And it doesn’t work. However, let’s say a girl sees you with a bunch of cool dudes, she sees you talking to girls, and you’re having a great conversation with her and you say that same line. Now it’s more likely to work because it’s funny. You’re obviously not shy, you’ve been to the club a lot.
So if I’m doing this, I always try to do it on something I’m very confident with. It often doesn’t come off as well as I would like it to, but as I get more confident I think it will begin to work better.
2. Creating a Story
This actually has more to do with befriending cool guys, but it’s an important topic because it can help you to quickly build your social circle. Let’s start by comparing these two scenarios.
Guy 1 – I meet him at a club. Find out he’s a promoter and tag along with him for the night. We drink at club one, take the train to club two and bullshit the whole way there. At club 2 we chill. At club 3 we’re at another promoter’s table and we all get drunk and have an awesome time. Then we leave and go to a bar at 3am, wrap up our four hour bullshitting session and we both take the train home.
Guy 2 – I meet him at a club. Find out he’s a promoter, shake his hand. He invites me to have some drinks. I do. Alcohol runs out and I leave. See him next week. We have some drinks, never talk, then I leave when the bottles run out.
True stories. So which is better? Obviously the night I had with guy 1. We have this crazy story where we tramped all across NYC, going to these different clubs and meeting up with cool people. We even went to the after-hours bar at 3am. He was the first one that took me to two of these cool clubs and I told him as much. We always have this story between us.
I have no story with guy 2. He’s just a face. We haven’t talked or done anything crazy. The connection is much weaker.
So the idea is really to create a story with everyone you meet. It doesn’t have to be crazy, but it should be interesting and ideally it should involve as few people as possible. 1 on 1 time is best. Off the top of my head here are a few ways I might create a story even if I only had a few minutes with a guy.
1. Buy a beer and see if we can shotgun it. This would be funny as hell!
2. Tell him I’m going to approach the ugliest girl in the club and tell her that he likes her.
3. See who can beat the other at arm wrestling while drinking a beer with the other hand.
These are arguably not great ideas, but they don’t have to be great, they have to be unique. Nobody is going to remember doing a shot of Jameson, but they will remember trying to shotgun a beer and how they spilled it all over then I laughed so hard beer came out my nose. That’s funny and memorable, that’s a story! This is what makes people want to hang out again so that cool guys get your number, instead of the other way around.
3. Having Fun
Pickup should be fun, not a chore. I think that’s one reason that we killed it in Berlin. We would go out, have some beers, listen to some techno, and regardless of what happened with the girls we enjoyed ourselves.
To some extent that’s been missing in New York. I tend to go hard and take it a little bit too seriously. Perhaps this was necessary in order to really get rid of the worst approach anxiety. However, with that out of the way I always want to be having fun, as opposed to doing the maximum number of approaches. It’s one reason why I’m moving away from going out with wingman and gravitating towards solo game. Some community guys are super fucking cool, but other ones are so drowned in theory and logicality that they’re just not fun to hang with. They can’t seem to let go and just enjoy the fuck out of the night. So if you’re reading this and getting ready to go out, think: how can I make this an awesome, fun night so that I’m happy at the end, regardless of what happens!