I’d like to preface this by saying that this was my unique experience. I’m sure other guys have had different experiences when they’ve finally gotten the hot girl and that’s good, the following is not ideal. However, I’m writing this because I’ll wager that I’m not the only one this has ever happened to and maybe some other guys can relate.

The Cute One

In Vietnam I met my ex-girlfriend who was a beautiful Dutch girl. Skinny as a model, blonde hair, great face. An easy 8 in most guy’s book. She was the first girl I ever slept with where the moment I saw her I thought, Wow! I’d really love to be with a girl like that. I ended up getting my wish and for the next five months we spent every day together, living in hostels, traveling through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand. It was great fun and the number of places we had sex is staggering, but it also made me anxious. Even after months together I never felt like I was attractive enough for her. Or, the root of the issue, I felt like if she left me I would be completely unable to find another girl as cute as her.

Objectively that was more or less the truth. She could have found another guy in a day, two max. In thirteen months of going out I’ve slept with two girls who have come close to being as cute as her but I still think that both fall short. So how did I end up with her?

  • She was just getting out of a relationship with a fairly abusive ex-boyfriend who she was sick of. I was and continue to be a nice, decent human being and she liked that.
  • Alcohol.
  • She was young and found me very physically attractive, something that seems to matter less and less the older a girl gets.
  • She was Dutch and had a very low feminine polarity, meaning she didn’t require a strong alpha-dude.

Put that all together and I had just enough game to pull it off. However, more often than not the only time I felt totally at ease with her was when we were drinking or having sex. Both of these things happened every day and so the relationship worked. If he had to abstain for a week shit may have hit the fan.

The Inner Farce

The point is that although it was really fucking cool spending time with her, having sex every day and sharing some real cool memories, it didn’t necessarily make me any happier. The good / ego emotions of having sex with a hot girl were balanced out by the underlying current of anxiety I felt with her in social situations. My inner dialogue would often be,

Oh Jesus, everyone is going to find out that I’m a poser. They’re going to see right through me and know that I don’t actually deserve to be with a girl this cute. This anxiety was especially acute whenever other guys were around. I’m sure more than a couple thought why the fuck is this girl with him?

That I’m aware of she never flirted with other guys or led them on. There was never an indication she was interested in them and by any measurement she was an ideal girlfriend. She was even talking about moving to the United States with me and possibly getting married. This was a mindfuck in itself because I couldn’t reconcile her infatuation with my own undeserved feelings. On a logical level I always tried to convince myself that I deserved her, but I never really felt like I did. I knew about game, I’d read dozens of self-help books and was already a way better human being than I was a few years ago. And I knew that I shouldn’t feel so anxious about being with her but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t change how I really felt. After I broke up with her there was some degree of relief because I was no longer experiencing the anxiety and worry.

I thought I’d share this because I’ve found it interesting to think about in the year + since we broke up. I got lucky and I ended up with the hot girl. However, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the experience because I didn’t feel entitled to her. That’s changing though. By learning game I’m chipping away at those pesky feelings of insecurity and next time I date a girl as attractive as her it will be a totally different experience. I’ll feel entitled to her, and I’ll know that if she leaves I’ll be capable of finding another girl just as cute.