The following are some of the lessons that I’ve learned since moving to New York City 18 months ago. I came to NYC with the sole intent of doing cold approach pickup. I ran some rough math and figured out I went out 4.5 nights a week. I pulled a dozen + times, a number which definitely would have been higher if I hadn’t had zero logistics for 5 months. I’ve fucked up a lot, I’ve succeeded just as much and I’ve learned a number of lessons. These are the main lessons, and the ones I’ll keep in mind for the future.
Cold Approach is a Skill that Can Be Learned
If you go out a lot and approach, you can get better. It doesn’t matter how bad you are, everyone is capable of improvement. That being said, it’s a fucking intense skill to learn. Pickup has caused me to experience the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s also awfully complex. Earlier it took me 13 months to go from zero to fluency in Russian. I equate learning pickup to learning Russian, times three.
Your Living Situation Matters
Let me start with the massive caveat that there are heaps of guys who get laid who have nothing going for them. Their lives are in shambles but they have game and pull. I accept this but for me, at this particular stage, I’ve found that it’s important for me to have my life in order. That is, good living situation, good logistics and at least some modicum of satisfaction from my work. When I lack those things I notice that I do worse.
Field Reports are the Best Tool for Meeting Wingmen
I’ve gone to NYC meetups, posted in forums that I’m looking for wingmen, met guys at the club and had guys read my field reports then message me. Of these methods, having guys read my reports then hit me blows everything else out of the water. In 4 out of 5 cases these guys are the coolest, most dedicated, best wingmen imaginable. If you live in a big city and are going out, I would recommend posting reports not just for your own benefit, but as a tool to meet cool wingmen.
Your Self-Talk Matters, A Lot…
I used to tell myself things like “you’re bad with girls” or “girls just don’t like you”. I had no idea how much of a disservice I was doing myself. The problem is that these beliefs are self-reinforcing. That is, when you give them power then they become reality. Your brain will seek out ways to align your actions and results to those beliefs, thus killing your chances of getting laid. For the last year I’ve only reinforced helpful beliefs, like “I’m awesome” and “girls love me”. This has made a tremendous difference.
It’s Worth Putting in the Effort to Get into Good Clubs
Me and some wingmen have a Whatsapp group called NYC Nightlife Sucks. This is not negative, it’s the truth. From roughly October to April you’re lucky to find a couple of sets a night Sunday to Wednesday. That’s it! That being said, there is a good party happening every night of the week at one of the hot clubs. Getting access to that party would give you unlimited sets on all the off nights.
I initially had a few chances to get that access. I met a few promoters, I had some tentative relations there that could have blossomed into something. But I never pursued it. I told myself, fuck all that, you care about cold approach! Just focus on that! My heart was in the right place but long term I was shooting myself in the foot. It’s hard to focus on cold approach when you can’t find any girls. So in the future, in whatever city I move to, I would take the time to develop the connections that would allow me access to all the best parties.
Good Information Comes from Videos & Reading
The pickup videos are popular and with good reason, they’re great. But I find about half of all my best information from reading. Most pickup forums tend towards dreck, however, with a critical eye you can find some gold. I’ve found that typically videos provide a broad perspective on game while individual posts do a better job of breaking down minute concepts, giving you a chance to understand the thinking and logic behind another person’s beliefs.
It’s Up to You to Close
As the guy it’s your job to sort out the challenges. Get the logistics handled, deal with her objections, deal with her friends objections, and just fucking go for the close. Girls will not close you (exceptions aside for the stories we hear about advanced guys having girls close them, in my experience this rarely happens at a lower level). You can have the best fucking bond, have a magical time with her but if you don’t close, odds are sex isn’t going to happen.
Not Wanting to Leave Sweet Zone / Look Dumb
I think that in the last three months in particular I’ve stopped taking risks. My game got to the point where I can easily hook, have conversations, do cool shit, get makeouts, etc. It took a lot of work to just reach there and I feel that I started taking growth for granted and I stopped putting myself on the line. The problem is that to reach the next level I’m going to have to start looking dumb again. I’m going to have to take risks which will burn many sets.
Interestingly, I think that one of the reasons I stopped taking risks has to do with my awesome wingmen. I started going out with really cool guys and I didn’t want to look retarded in front of them. This is obviously 110% my own problem. I think that in the future I may reserve 2 or 3 nights a week to go out solo where I give myself permission to fuck up horribly and look like an idiot.
You Can Detach too Far from Results
Outcome independence is a big thing in pickup, as is the idea of this being about not just the girls but the personal growth. I totally believe in both but I think that I took them too far. I didn’t pull my last two or three months going out because I had zero logistics, but also because I didn’t push hard for the close. I put so much focus on “internal growth” that the girls became almost secondary. So I definitely fucked up here.
Overall I had a blast though and I’m really looking forward to future challenges. Berlin and Vegas are next on the list, let’s do it!