There are so many angles to come at this issue. I’ll start with this one. In the pickup community there are a lot of leaders who say things like “Always go for the pull!” or “Man up and make shit happen!” or “Take massive action!”. They don’t come right out and say it, but it’s all but implied that if you don’t pull you’ve fucked up. Their motives in saying these things are good. They want guys to push past their comfort zones and do things that they’re uncomfortable doing. If you’re some random bloke just getting into pickup and you’ve had sex with three girls in your life, then yeah. That intense pressure makes sense. You probably need that drive in order to do something that you’ve never done before (push for a ONS with a girl you met at the bar).
At a certain point this intense focus on closing can be taken too far. It can manifest in an obsession with results. This is a massive problem for me right now. I go out a lot and I watch a lot of pickup material. As a result I’m getting better, but I’m also judging myself more on my results than I ever used to. When I started I was thrilled when I did three approaches in a night! Big fucking deal man. I gave a fuck how they went, I just cared that I took action and got some new experience. Now I’ve performed a 180! I give a fuck that I did twenty approaches, but I’m thrilled when I pull. There are so many problems with this.
- It makes pickup less fun. No matter how much I’d like to, I can’t control the outcome. By judging myself on my results I’m becoming the guy who isn’t playing for the love of the game, he’s playing for the paycheck and the glory. Needless to say, these players are not the ones who go the farthest.
- It makes the results less likely to come. The less you care, the more likely you are to sleep with the girl. If you’re a needy little fucker who just wants to get laid so he can write about it on his pickup blog; you better fuck yourself because the girl isn’t going to.
- It causes you to ignore all of the progress that you’re making.
I’m experiencing all of this right now. But I’m not the only one! I’d like to share an excerpt from a post that I read on the forums.
“I WANT THE RESULTS TOO MUCH. I want to rush it. I want to rush everything : getting the results on the same day, finding the hot girl of the night asap, pushing the interaction the desired conclusion as fast as possible, etc etc. I don’t want to wait : hot girls are in a way so rare that I want it work as soon as I see one. But it makes me so outcome dependent that everything becomes heavier and more difficult.”
Believe it or not I’m not the person who wrote this, even though I expressed an almost identical sentiment (in this report) when I wrote:
“That’s why I get the feeling that I’ve been fucking up by trying to shortcut this comfort building stage. The point where we actually get to know each other and enjoy each others company. What I’ve been mostly doing is trying to skip this and get straight to the sex.”
Crazy shit. The guy who wrote the former excerpt is at a higher level than me (he’s worried about pulling hot girls, I’m worried about just pulling girls period). However, it’s obvious that getting better results is not the solution to the problem. As soon as you reach the next level then you set higher goals and the process repeats itself. That leads us to….
This: focus on getting the maximum amount of reference experience, forget about the results. I’m sure that this is just one of many frames that help to fix the problem of obsession with results, but it seems like the most effective solution to me. Focusing on the reference experience means taking right action, pushing your comfort zone, and embracing growth. It means accepting results as they come, not obsessing over them. However, this comes with the caveat that…
You’re already taking massive action!
I’m coming from a place where it’s second nature for me to go for the pull, open the tough set, do the scary thing. I don’t even think about it, I do it. If this is not second nature then having voice yelling “Always be closing!” may be the best thing. But if you find yourself in a place where the results have become more important than anything else, it may be time to rethink things.
I go out with the constant reminder to collect reference experience, not mentally flog myself because I didn’t pull. I accept that I cannot control the outcome. I can push the living fuck out of my comfort zone, I can approach everything in sight, I can reapproach everything, I can do my damned best job and then I can go home and feel awesome about myself, regardless of the outcome.