The following is predicated upon,
attraction = a display of high status behaviors. From the obvious eye contact and posture to the subtle abundance and non-reactivity.
A common problem for new guys is running out of things to say. Your mouth freezes and you can’t open it with a crowbar. There are ways around this. You free associate, tell stories or talk about retarded shit. In time your brain eases up on the judgement and you start holding normal conversations.
Now that you can talk, you might begin to worry about the value you’re offering. Was it the right moment for that, should I be staying silent and waiting for her to speak up, I shouldn’t have interrupted her just then, etc. In seeking to offer value you may do things with a proven track record. You know that certain words / phrases tend to get positive reactions and you say these things and hope she laughs or asks a question. This is unfortunate because you are now dependent on her reaction. If she laughs you feel good. If she doesn’t, you feel a little gap there, a sense of lack. This is not good! The thing we’re aiming for is self-referencing state.
Self-referencing state happens when your emotional well-being is generated solely by your own actions and words. You are free from her outcome, you need nothing. You say I love your shirt and it doesn’t matter whether she laughs, cries or tries to kiss you, you’re good. You crack a joke, she doesn’t get it, stares at you like you’re weird. That’s cool, you weren’t depending on any kind of reaction. You just keep feeling good, recognizing that everyone has a unique sense of humor. You have an implicit faith in yourself, you’re just the high status guy that she’s been waiting for. It’s your lack of trying to prove that which demonstrates it perfectly.
Anyways, it’s only in the last week or two that I’ve started to understand this in any kind of meaningful way. So I’ve got a long, long ways to go. In refining my thinking, however, I do have a place to start. Those split-second moments, in every interaction, when I try and make interaction go better, fill in the silence, whatever. Instead of doing this, I can listen to that coolness voice, break an old pattern and focus on keeping myself happy instead of her. Moving forward depends on this.